I turn over and pull my shirt up. It’s embarrassing, but I’m not wearing panties because the fabric against my skin is painful.
“This one doesn’t look infected. It should feel better in a few days. I’m going to prescribe an extra antibiotic ointment, but I don’t have that on me. You’ll need to pick it up from the pharmacy.”
She leaves, but the other lady stays.
“I’d like to talk to you for a little bit if that’s okay. We can stop or pause whenever you need. You’re in control. Is it okay to talk?”
I nod as I take a deep breath and release it slowly.
“Let’s talk about how you’re feeling right now. Emotionally.”
Staring down at the blanket on the bed, I avoid her gaze, the shame overwhelming me.
“It’s my fault. I left with him willingly.”
Crossing her legs she sits back in the chair, her voice calm and reassuring.
“It makes sense for you to feel that way but did you truly go with him willingly? He had a gun, and was prepared to shoot the men you love if you didn’t go with him. You made the best choice you could in a terrifying moment. This is not your fault. There is nothing you did to deserve this.”
I close my eyes, thinking back to that moment. Sitting between my men, spotting the gun pointed at Carter and then Knox. Sheer terror traveling through my body, not for me but for my men. I had to do anything to save them including turning myself over to an evil monster.
My body trembles, sweat forms on my brow as her voice breaks through.
“Let’s pause for a moment. Can you open your eyes and focus on the present? You are safe.”
I blink my eyes open and glance around the room, doing my best to do as she said. My breaths are shaky but eventually they calm.
“I keep trying to think of how I could’ve prevented us all from getting killed without allowing him to take me.”
She nods in understanding as she crosses one leg over the other.
“I’d like to give you a few affirmations to work on daily. Can you try repeating after me?”
I hate affirmations. When I was in Wellard Asylum, the first person in the room beside me, said them constantly. It was annoying.
“I will try.”
Her lips lift into a soft smile.
“How I was treated is not my fault, the shame is not mine to carry. My needs, feelings and emotions are valid. It was not my fault.”
I swallow hard, the words difficult to speak.
“How I was treated is not my fault, the shame is not mine to carry. My needs, feelings and emotions are valid. It was not my fault.”
“It’s normal to feel strange when you first repeat affirmations but they are helpful. They can help reframe negative thoughts and reduce stress. If you feel yourself slipping into a flashback, an affirmation may help you stay in the present.”
Opening her briefcase, she pulls out a notebook and pen.
“It will be helpful if you write down things that happened and your feelings that go along with them. It might be difficult in the beginning, but it’ll get easier.”
As soon as she leaves Knox, Killian and Carter come in. They walk slowly, almost as if they’re afraid of me.
“Please don’t be weird with me now. I’m still me. Kind of.”
Killian twists his hands, and I can see how uncomfortable he is. He’s struggling with being careful not to say the wrong thing.
Patting the bed, I say, “Come here, Kill.”
