I can’t stand the feelings mounting inside me. It hurts so much. It’s too much to hope for. Because I’m so afraid I don’t deserve it.
“Will you walk me back to the cottage?” Nonna asks. “I think I’m ready to go home.”
22
CARSON
We walk silently through the softly falling snow. My muscles are tense and something weird is happening inside my chest from everything that just happened.
After all this, Giaknew. Did the whole fucking family know? Did they let us make fools of ourselves pretending to still be married, when they knew?
We go in to say goodbye to Ayla’s aunt and uncle.
“Thank you so much for all the work you did,” Gia says to Ayla as they hug goodbye. “It was amazing to have the whole family here. At my age, there won’t be many more chances to do that.”
“Don’t say that.”
“Phht. I’m ninety-nine. It’s the truth.” She cups Ayla’s face and peers into her eyes. “You do so much for everyone else. I see it.”
Ayla gives a tiny nod.
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
“Uh…”
“You are important, too.”
Ayla gazes at her great-grandmother. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Nonna and I hug, too, me having to bend my legs to her height. She pats my cheek. “You’re a good man. I know you want to fix everything. But not everything is yours to fix.”
My face feels hot. No idea how to respond to that, so I nod, and then we leave.
Ayla and I walk back to our own cottage along the path, shiny black, wet from the melting snow. Ayla’s hands are shoved in the pockets of her jacket, her shoulders hunched.
I don’t know exactly what she’s feeling, but it isn’t good. Ayla’s more emotional than me. I like to think things through. Stay in control. She tends to react quickly, passionately.
Except after Kane died. Then, she was almost comatose. It scares me even thinking back to that time, how worried and terrified I was for her.
She drops onto the couch and buries her face in her hands. “I can’t believe they all knew.”
I sit beside her. “I know. I feel like a fucking idiot.”
“I’m sorry. This is all my fault.”
“Apparently, also Rachel’s.”
“I’m so mad at her!” She jumps up and starts pacing across the room. “She set us up! And she’s the one who told me you can’t put poop back in your butt!”
My jaw drops. “Uh…”
She waves a hand. “That’s a whole other issue.” She faces me. “Are we doing this now?”
“I thought we could talk when we get home.”
She nods slowly and I can see her thinking. “Okay. That’s probably best. We need to pack and there are some things at the pavilion that I have to load into your car.”
