“You don’t know that,” I snap, my words coming out a little too forcefully. Instantly I regret it and soften my expression so Jasper knows I didn’t mean it. He only holds me tighter.
“Okay,” he says. “I can’t promise nothing bad is going to happen. But that doesn’t mean we need to make any big decisions. If we’re not marked and something does happen, it doesn’t mean we love each other any less. Right?” He waits for a response, that I can’t give. “Right?!”
I pull myself together. “No, yes! Right. Of course that’s right. I just ... I know it means a lot to you.”
Gently, he brushes a curl behind my ear, laughing softly like I’m being ridiculous—cute, but ridiculous.
“You’re crazy, you know that, right?” he says, those big green eyes swirling, begging me to dive in and drown. “I would never want you to do anything before you’re ready.”
With a hand on the back of my head he pulls my face to his chest and holds me, rocking ever so slightly.
“I need to tell you something,” I say, but it comes out all muffled against his shirt.
“Huh?”
I move back, away even, out of his embrace, because I couldn’t stand it if he pulled away first.
“I need to tell you something.”
He sits up on an elbow, looking not-so-mildly concerned.
“Max, what is it?”
“I lied about—well, not lied exactly, but there’s something I haven’t told you.”
“Okaaaaay?”
“I don’t want to go to college in New York. I secretly applied to CalArts and I got in. And I only didn’t tell you because I wasn’t sure what I was going to do and then all this pack war stuff happened and it never seemed like the right time, but it feels likeI’m leaving and I haven’t said anything, and I totally don’t have to go if you don’t want me to and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, and actually, the last few weeks I’ve been wondering if it’s even the right place for me and not sure what I should do and I guess, I’ve—I guess I’ve—”
“Hey.” He shuffles closer so he can reach me again, and puts his free arm around my waist, pulling me in. “It’s okay. Max, we can literally talk with our brains. And you’ve put up with me being at Harvard and away all the time this last year. Of course, if you want to go to college in California, you can. That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you. I just ...” His big, broad smile falters and a shadow crosses his face. “I just wish you felt like you could tell me.”
“I’m sor—”
“No,” he says, bluntly. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” His gaze shifts, his eyes leaving mine, so that he’s looking at the mattress, clearly bothered. “It’s me who should be sorry. The way I’ve treated you ... I made it so you didn’t feel like you could tell me. I’m sorry, Max.”
He looks up again and this time his eyes are full-on glass. It breaks my heart. I reach out and cup his face. “I guess even though we can speak with our minds we still have some learning to do when it comes to communication.”
“I suppose.”
I lean in and kiss him, and his lips are salty. With strong arms he pulls me to him once more and together we shift so that our heads are resting on the pillows, Jasper behind me, wrapping me up, holding me close.
For a while we lie there, and I let his warmth radiate through me. I let his strength hold me still and keep me from vibrating out of this world. I let his breath tickle the back of my neck.
“Jasper,” I say after a while. “There’s something else I need to tell you, it’s something your mother said—”
I glance back and Jasper’s eyes are closed. His breaths have deepened. He’s asleep.
I guess I’ll have to tell him in the morning. For now, at least one secret is out in the open and I can go into the battle with one less burden weighing on my shoulders.
At some point in the night, I wake up. Silver moonlight is shining in through the open window, casting a glimmer across the bed. Somehow, I’ve ended up under the covers, but I flip over to find the other side of the mattress empty.
Jasper is gone.
His pillow is cold.
I start up, looking around the room in case he’s in the bathroom or, I don’t know, lurking in the corner like some sleep paralysis demon. But he’s nowhere to be seen.
With a few calming breaths I force myself to think and not freak out.
