“You haven’t asked but I know you want me to use my powers to find Mia and Olivia. I’ll speak to them, see if they’ll come back, if Mia will convince her father to work with us. And while I’m out there I can talk to the rogues.”
“I can’t ask you to do that, besides I need you here. Salazar is already out looking for them. If you go too, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage. I don’t ...”
He’s shaking now and I think I’m only just beginning to get a sense of what the pressure is truly doing to him.
“Someone needs to speak to the rogue elders,” I say.
“Can’t he go?” Jasper nods to the door, where Omar’s scent still lingers.
“You think the rogues will fight with us if no one from the pack is willing to go speak to them? It has to be an Elite Pack wolf, and, I think—I think it has to be me.
“Why?”
“Mal told me at the Sanc that the rogues and the blood wolf have a long history of working together. I doubt they’d agree to work with anyone but me. And I think—I’ve been wondering what these powers are for, how I’m supposed to use them to help people. And I’m starting to think this is maybe what all this has been for. If I can unite pack wolves and rogues, maybe that would be a good use of my powers.”
Jasper holds my face gently between his hands, one thumb rubbing my chin. He presses his forehead to mine.
“It’s dangerous out there,” he says. “If you go and don’t ... I can’t lose you too, not now, not ever.”
My gut feels like a brick. The guilt from not telling Jasper about my maybe-plan to go to a college all the way across the country flares up hot and heavy. The strange thrill I get from the idea of going out into the world and using my powers to unite disparate people thrums in the back of my mind. Am I betraying Jasper by leaving him here to deal with running the pack on his own? Have I betrayed him already by planning a future for myself without factoring in what’s best for him, or prioritizing our relationship? Then of course there’s the lingering question of a marking ceremony. If that’s even something I want. But despite all these questions, and this strange feeling like I’ve already let him down, there is one thing I’m certain of.
“You’re never going to lose me, Jasper. No matter what, I’ll be here.” I point at his chest and the big, troubled heart I know is beating in there.
Jasper looks like he wants to smile and cry at the same time. It’s obvious that he’s trying to work his expression into one of comfort and confidence, but he’s struggling. Some seed of doubt is stopping him from getting on board.
“What is it?” I ask. His lips are dry, the skin puckering as he bites down on the bottom one. His body is quivering ever so slightly. “Jasper? Tell me.”
“What if ...” he starts, voice cracking. “What if I’m not cut out for this? What if I’m not strong enough to be the alpha?”
“You’re the strongest person I know,” I say, pulling him into me again. “Hey, you managed to resist me for way longer than any mere mortal could have.”
At least this elicits a laugh from him, dispelling some of the tension.
“But seriously, you need to believe in yourself,” I continue, leaning back to look him in the face. “I do. The pack does.”
He runs a hand down his face, the exhaustion never more apparent.
“I just wish I could talk to him, ask him for his advice. Ask him—how he stayed so strong.”
I rest a hand against his chest and feel his heart beating swiftly. Then I have an idea.
“What if you could?”
He rolls his eyes playfully. “I’m not really in the mood for role-playing—”
“I don’t mean in some hypothetical way. I mean, what if you could really speak to him?”
Jasper eyes me sideways as a grin spreads across my face.
COUPLE’S TRIP
“Remind me why he needs to be here,” Jasper whispers to me, side-eyeing Omar as he sets out candles in a circle around us. We sit crisscross applesauce, facing each other with perfect white pebbles underneath us and the scent of the nearby cherry tree, magically in full blossom despite it already being summer, flooding our senses.
“He knows what he’s doing, he can help,” I say back through clenched teeth.
Jasper wasn’t thrilled about my idea for him and me to take a little walk on the Lunar Plane, or at least, he wasn’t convinced it would work. But I’m confident that whatever we experience there will give him some clarity and guidance.
“Do you really think we’ll be able to speak with him?” he asks, painfully earnest.
