“Uh, sure. You finished?”
Jasper still has a couple of decent bites left of his burger. He smiles and shoves the whole thing in his mouth. “Finished,” he says, although with his mouth full the sound is muffled.
“Classy.”
We head out from the campsite in a straight line away from the lake so that we can keep an eye on the fire. Wouldn’t want to be responsible for starting a wildfire. Jasper’s hands are shoved deep in his pockets, his head tilted back as he stargazes.
“This place means a lot to you,” I say.
“It does.”
“How come you haven’t been back in so long?”
Jasper stops walking but keeps his eyes on the heavens. “After my mother was killed things changed in my family. We used to come here every year. My father would always complain about coming—too hot and dry for him. But my mother loved it and even though I was so young, I could tell he didn’t mind coming, not actually, as long as she was happy. He was different around her. When she died it was like part of him died too. He shut off, focused all his energy on the pack and being the alpha. Nothing else seemed to matter, not even his kids. He stopped being the father we knew and became something else…an army general or the boss of some big corporation, and we were his interns. I remember the year after she left us I asked him if we could come here.”
“He said no?” I ask, my voice catching.
“He threw a chair through a glass door.”
“For the longest time I thought,This is the real him.With Mom gone there’s no one to stop him from treating us this way, acting like this.I’m starting to realize that maybe wasn’t the case. His behavior didn’t change because she wasn’t there to hold him back. He changed because he was hurting, because despite their mating being arranged, he loved her.”
“I’m sorry,” I say because I don’t know what else to do.
He shrugs and faces me. “It’s okay. I just—being out here makes me wonder if there was more I could have done to help him. If I’d been more aware, maybe I could have stopped him from losing that part of himself.”
“Jasper, you were only a kid. You can’t blame yourself for his actions.” I step to him and take his hands. “You blame yourself for everything. But…” I trail off, not sure if I’m about to say the right thing or start a different kind of wildfire. “But you shouldn’t. Do you remember the vision I had, back in the mountains? Where I saw the crash that took your mother and how I knew you were there?”
His head quirks to one side. “Yes?”
“It wasn’t just like seeing a memory it was more like living it, like I was you, I could see what you saw and––feel what you felt.”
He takes a step back, letting my hand fall to my side. His narrow eyes are boring into mine and I can’t tell if he’s furious that I kept this from him, that I saw this in the first place, or if he’s just trying to understand what’s going on.
“You were just a kid, really, so young and you were terrified. But when you looked at your mother, and saw how much she wanted to protect you, how much she loved you, you felt it. You felt her protection and it calmed you. She did what she had to do, by swerving to protect you. And that doesn’t make what happened your fault. It makes her your parent, who loves you and wants to take care of you.”
Jasper’s expression softens. “It’s funny, I can’t actually remember much from the crash.”
“That makes sense, it must have been extremely traumatic. Maybe I was able to tap into your subconscious in a way you won’t let yourself,” I suggest. “Because, you know, blood wolf and all that.”
“Maybe.” He sits quietly for a moment. “Maybe part of me wanted you to see that.”
I shrug gently. “Yeah, maybe.”
“What did she…what did she look like, at the end?”
“She was beautiful and determined and fearless. And she loved you. She did what she needed to. I don’t think she would want you to blame yourself. She sacrificed herself so you could live. You should.”
Tentatively, I slip my index finger around his and thankfully he doesn’t pull away.
“And you shouldn’t blame yourself for your father’s actions either. He was the adult, the parent, he should have stepped up and taken care of you and Jodie, not shut himself off. I’m sorry that happened.”
He drops his head backward and exhales all the air in his chest.
“Are you okay?”
With one hand he touches my cheek, running a thumb over my skin. “I think perhaps I’ve acted too much like my father with you.”
“You Apollo men, you’re all kinds of messed up.”
