I meet Aisha on Monday evening after school. She’s just come from rehearsal, so we grab a bubble tea and hit the High Line. We wander along the raised boardwalk, enjoying the lush gardens reaching for us on either side, passing the slatted recliner seats, and heading under the Standard Hotel. Our conversation remains casual, until we emerge on the other side, back into the evening light. We haven’t mentioned the party yet and I was worried Aisha would be cold off the bat, but she left the studios in a surprisingly good mood. Still, I know I need to get this off my chest.
“Hey,” I say, not really knowing how to begin but also knowing exactly where to start. “I need to apologize.”
She glances at me and sips her drink, the tapioca balls moving up her giant straw.
“For what happened at the party. That was—horrible. I did try to get through the crowd to you but I wasn’t fast enough. I can’t believe they did that.”
Surprisingly, Aisha grins, just a little, then sighs. “I can. But don’t worry, dude. That’s not on you.”
“But it is. And I should have been faster. The second I knew what was happening I should have stepped in or forced Jasper to.”
A laugh. “I think you know about as well as anyone that there’s no forcing Jasper to do anything.”
“Maybe.” I rub the back of my neck, unable to tell exactly how well this is going. “I’m still so, so sorry, Aisha. What happened…it’s—not okay.”
Tourists slip by us taking pictures, and a couple of kids nearly barge right into us. I feel like I’m constantly sidestepping and ducking so I don’t run into anyone. Aisha, on the other hand, glides through it all unbothered.
“The truth is,” she says, “I knew it was a big move. I’m actually sort of impressed we made it through the doors.”
“If you knew it was a long shot, why did you…?”
“Actually, it was because of you.”
I stop walking, nearly choking on a tapioca ball. “Me?”
“You and Jasper. What you did at New Year’s. I kept thinking it was so brave of the two of you to take a stand like that—to show everyone who you are without fear.”
“Trust me, there was a lot of fear.”
She shrugs. “That just makes you more brave.”
We start walking again, heading uptown with the buildings of Manhattan slipping by on our right and the Chelsea Piers on our left.
“For the longest time I’ve felt pulled in two directions: the wolf side of me and the human side of me, the pack and my life with Troy. I’m starting to feel, I don’t know, like whichever part of me I’m inhabiting is a lie.”
“I think I get it,” I say. “Like whatever you do you’re ignoring a whole chunk of who you are, so neither feels right.”
“Pretty much. And I’m tired of it—of feeling like I’m not myself anywhere I go. So I thought,If those boys can be brave, I can too.”
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
We curve away from where we’re heading and come to rest against the metal balustrade, looking out toward the Hudson, where boats zip by.
“What happened at the party made one thing clear,” Aisha says, her voice level and self-assured. “The pack will never accept me for all that I am. Troy will never be welcome. He doesn’t belong.” She leans over the barrier, her elbows resting on the steel. “So neither do I.”
Aisha isn’t talking to me so much anymore as to herself. It’s as if she’s putting these thoughts she’s been sitting on into words for the first time, and as if by speaking them into reality she’s confirming something she’s known but hasn’t been able to accept…until now.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I’m done,” she says. “With the pack, with playing by their rules. It’s a losing game. And I’m not playing, not anymore.”
It’s hard to figure out what she means exactly. Is she going to reject the pack? Will she leave New York? Become a rogue?
“What will you do?” I ask.
She’s squeezing her hands together, rubbing one palm with the opposite thumb. “I haven’t decided yet. I’m not going anywhere.” She turns and leans her back against the balustrade, facing back toward Manhattan. “This is my home. But I’m not attending any more pack events. Or abiding by the alpha’s rules if I don’t want to.”
“Did you tell Jasper this?”
