“And yet you are one.”
“Right. We are one.”
“Your wolf spirit is able to appear on this plane because he is at home here.”
“I was going to ask…where exactly is here?”
“The lunar plane,”she mind-says.
“So I did reach it.”
Once again she smiles, and a hint of color almost rises in her cheeks.
“The lunar plane is not a place you journey to or from. It exists in all of wolfkind, the domain of our lunar selves.”
“Is that the same as our wolf selves?”
“Why do you run from that which is most inherently you?”she asks.
Okay, come through with the non sequitur,I think before realizing she can probably hear what I’m thinking and rein my sassy self in. I clear my throat and straighten my shoulders.
“I guess I’m afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“That—if I let myself be…myself, that I won’t like it. Or that other people…won’t like it.”
“You doubt your mate?”
“I doubt everyone and everything. I’m full of doubt. I have abundant doubt. And I want to be more sure. I want to know who I’m going to be and whether I’m making the right choices, but all the voices in my head are pulling me in so many different directions it’s hard to make sense of what’s even me anymore—of who I am or what I want. Like maybe I’m just doing what I think I’m supposed to or what’s expected of me. Maybe I’m just chasing around a boy because that’s all I know how to do. Maybe I’m not special, maybe this whole idea of community and belonging is bullshit and we’re all just alone—less like one pack under the moon and more like a whole bunch of weirdo loners making shit up so that we feel better about ourselves, so that we feel less alone. Maybe there’s no such thing as the blood wolf and it’s a story I’ve made up, a fairy tale, to give myself some sense of meaning. I mean, come on, mind reading? Special powers? It’s all a bit out there. And I know you’re a floating spirit guide or hey, maybe you’re actually the moon goddess Selene”—even though I’m mid rant I swear I catch her shrug in a knowing way—“you probably love all this woo-woo magical, moon energy stuff. But that was never my thing. I just wanted to draw and hang out with my friends and now everything is so complicated. And how do I know I’m not just fucking things up? How do I know I’m not doing everything wrong? How do I know I’m not running into a burning building, or running in circles…or…”
I trail off, waiting for her to finish my sentence or answer one of the many, many questions I just spouted at her, but instead she waits for me to finish.
“How do I know I’m heading in the right direction?”
My chest heaves as I pant and catch my post-rant breath. I have no idea where all of that came from. Or why I chose the moment an actual moon spirit or whoever chose to reveal themself to me to offload all my emotional baggage. But standing before this ethereal woman, in this place, with my wolf behind me, I couldn’t hold it all in any longer. And it’s all true…I am filled with doubt. And I thought I needed to escape to clear my head and figure things out but that’s just thrown more voices into the mix. More questions. I lift my eyebrows at the woman, basically begging her to give me some answers or at the very least a little reassurance.
“The truth is, Max—”
Wait, she knows my name?Holy smokes.
“People often ask the moon gods to light the way for them, but there is no one singular path. There is no preordained route you must take. The path is yours to forge. We are only here to light the way.”
With that last sentence, her ethereal glow intensifies. I lift a hand to shield my eyes. Am I right in thinking…did she just say…sheISone of the moon gods.
“Are you Selene?” I ask, hot in the face.
“I am but the light in the darkness.”
Okay, not a real answer.
“Now Max, you should go. He’s still waiting.”She lifts a long hand and gestures to the wolf behind me.“Take my blessings as you forge your way.”
When I turn back, she’s gone, the only trace she was ever here a smattering of pixie dust or space glitter or some other twinkling remnant of her majestic presence sparkling as it drifts slowly to the ground.
“Just you and me now, bud,” I say, walking over to my wolf and crouching down in front of him. I take his furry head in my hands, one supporting his chin and the other nuzzling the fur behind his ear. “I’m sorry I tried to block you out. What’s say we do this next part together?”
I wait for a response, half expecting him to open his mouth and speak, but instead he licks my cheek, a big wet slobbery dog kiss, and I wrap my arms around him, closing my eyes as I hold my wolf self, trying to show the comfort and love I’ve been too scared to give to myself.
