Ethan's body is more relaxed than I've ever seen him as he looks off toward the park.
“You seem to know this place well. Did you used to live here?”
His pause seems sad.
“No, I didn't. I guess...”
I wait, trying not to fill his gap with my own words.
“I always thought, maybe when I retire...maybe I could. Sometimes I come here and just...walk. It's close enough to downtown that it isn't likely to cause a breaking headline. And I don't go the bars or whatever, obviously.”
“Obviously.”
“But I just...I like knowing that I'm not alone. That one day, when I'm done with hockey, this will be waiting for me.”
“Is that your plan? To come out when you retire?”
He walked over to the window and looked down at the flags on display outside the bar across the street.
“You asked me that once – on the plane? What I planned to do when I retire – coach or whatever? In all honesty, the thought of staying around hockey, of continuing to just...lieabout myself all the time? I can't picture it.”
I think about it from his point of view, about the stress of this job and dealing with it while constantly walking that tightrope. “It sounds...exhausting.”
He looks back at me, a sad smile on his face. “I honestly can't say that I've ever planned tocome out. You know, with the whole press conference and the ESPN Magazine article and whatever. And when I was your age, I don't think I ever thought to do anything close.”
Again, our differences stand between us – his desire for privacy against my inability to hide. But this time, he doesn't sound judgmental of my choices. He almost sounds...jealous?
“But since I've turned thirty, I've thought that maybe, one day, Icould live a quiet life on a farm or something, and no one would care who I lived it with. And I could have a kid or two and maybe a dog and just...be happy.”
This is the most human I've ever seen Ethan, andmanis it a compelling sight. I can see his vision of the future – the kid, the dog. A shadowy figure next to him that I don't dare examine too closely. His eyes look wet, and I make sure to give him space with his thoughts.
“And maybe one day, when I die, my Wikipedia article would have a sentence about how I lived the last years of my life with my beloved husband. And that would be it. I'd be out.”
The way he tells it, it almost sounds like he thinks he will have to die to be open, and I can't think of anything sadder in the world. Living my life in the open has brought me plenty of shit – a new scar through my right eyebrow, for one. But it's also brought me the knowledge that I can be myself and the world won't end. I'm realizing now that Ethan doesn't have the same certainty; that to some extent, he still thinks his gayness will be the end of him.
“That sounds nice, Ethan. I hope you get it.”
We grabcoffees at a shop across the street, then head to the next block for the first viewing.
“This first one is a loft conversion” Ethan says as we walk into a building with more modern renovations. In addition to the beautiful limestone on the first floor, there are towering glass windows on the second.
As we walk inside, I'm struck by the natural light pouring in those windows. The first floor has an open floor plan, with a kitchen set off to the side by an island with bar seating. A metal staircase goes up to the loft, where there's enough room for a king sized bed.
As I stand in the loft, I look at Ethan.
“I don't know, I think I might be able to see the microwave from here.”
I wink so he knows I'm joking, and I get a nice laugh out of him. Is this the first time I've heard him laugh?Reallylaugh? I think so.
“Obviously it's a very single-guy place, still – no guest room or whatever, but it seems pretty nice for the price.”
I agree as we head back downstairs, turning West as we head out onto the street. In a block, we turn again, now on a block of older homes.
“Ok, this one is more historic, for sure, but also maybe better for a longer haul? There's actually two guest rooms, so you could even...” his voice trails off, and he seems uncertain if he should continue.
“I could even what?” I'm intrigued.
“If you started seeing someone and it worked out...you could even have a kid here. If that's something you want.”
