“Oh, I'm, uh...I'm still at the hotel. The Courtyard, just down the road.”
Is he joking right now? Not only does he not have a decent car, he's still in some hotel room? Have we really made him that unwelcome?
“You, uh, really didn't want to...invest, huh?” I realize I may have done more damage than I thought, certainly more than I ever planned.
“It's not...it wasn't just you. My agent really thought we'd be looking at Vancouver – probably not in the first round, but maybe in the second. And I guess I just got in my head a little about that. You know, this city with this vibrant queer community, where I could really beproudto be out. And then...Minnesota. I remember my very first thought, once I finally realized they'd called my name, was 'Are there even gay people in Minnesota?'”
I laugh at that, because it's honestly fair. And I realize – the call I made to Jamie that night could have been so muchmoreto him. But I was so inmyhead, that I couldn't even understand it in that moment. But maybe it isn't too late.
“Well, there are at least two of us,” I say with a grin that probably looks more like a grimace.
“There...are?” He asks, cautiously looking over at me.
“That morning at the hotel, you wanted to know. Bi, gay, queer...I'm gay. Have been as long as I can remember.” And yet, this is probably the first time I've ever said it out loud. Jamie pauses, staring ahead at the traffic light as we wait to turn into the hotel. He seems unsure of what to say next, of whether he can ask more.
“And speaking of the hotel, I…I owe you an apology. For the kiss that night at the club, but also for, uh, hunting you down the next morning. I was..scared.”
This might be the first time I’ve even acknowledged that myself, the bone-deep terror I felt that morning as I pulled into the hotel parking lot, certain my career was circling the drain.
The look on Jamie’s face tells me he’s not expecting the apology.
“It was…definitely unexpected. I mean, I had no idea you were…”
“Gay,” I remind him, the word coming a little more easily this time.
“And I definitely had no idea you were interested in me. Not to suggest you’reintome or whatever. I’ll shut up now.” His face is redder than the light in the intersection.
He’s a 23-year-old professional athlete in peak condition – is it any surprise I’d find him attractive? For a moment, the silence hangs between us as the snow falls outside.
“You know, I spent many a night there my first few years in the League.” I say, nodding at the hotel, trying to steer us away from this dangerous conversation.
“Oh yeah?” he asks, meeting my eyes again.
“For sure. Unlike you, I wasnota generational talent. I really had to grind my way into the league. I was up and down my entire rookie year – didn't even have ten games here. But I grew a lot as a player.” I remember those months as the hardest of my life, putting in hard hours on the ice and then harder hours in the weight room, only to come home, chug a protein shake, and pass out to do it all again.
“Sometimes I think...” he trails off, and I'm curious.
“What?”
“Sometimes I think...it would have been easier like that. If I had been just agoodplayer. Not a great one. Not a name. Then, could I have been gay andnothave to talk to ESPN about it every other day? Could I have had a boyfriend who was more worried about me getting sent down than being on the front page?”
“That's stupid.”
He laughs, but there's a distinct tearfulness to the sound.
“Thanks for your support, Cap.”
“No, seriously. As someone who was there – you could never have been a grinder and alsoout. Because the second there was discomfort in the room that could be traced back to you? You'd have been sent to Des Moines – or worse. And they'd say it wasn't because you were gay, it was because your slap shot was weak or your checks were off or whatever, but youwould know.”
Now I'm tearful, and I'm not even sure I know why.
“Is that what happened to you?”
“It...it always had to be this way, Jamie. The first wasalwaysgoing to have to be a great. Youarea generational talent, Jamie. We were fuckingluckyto get you at seventh overall. If you were straight, it would have been number one, no question.” This is the truth I couldn't tell Greg that day – that Jamie isexactlywhat the Huskies needed. What weneed.
At that, he looks vindicated, as though he's been thinking the same thing for the past six months while everyone else twiddled their thumbs about whether he'd really be 'worth it'.
“But then I'd have had to play in Dallas.” He's more lighthearted now, his laugh more genuine.
