“That sounds...sad.”
“It was. It was really sad.”
“So you sucked his dick?”
I snort.
“Actually, he sucked mine. After my housewarming party.”
Avery hums in agreement.
“So you started hooking up regularly?”
“Not then, no. I wasn't into being with a closeted guy. I mean, I didn't go through all this shit to walk right back into the closet and shut the door, you know?”
Avery nods, pursing his lips.
“It's been that bad?”
“It's been...it's been a lot. I hate to say it, but it's been adistraction. I can't just focus on my hockey, I also have to focus on the slurs other teams are calling me and the questions reporters will have.”
Maybe I should temper my response. I know Avery is hoping to keep walking the same line he walks now – not really in the closet, but not really out of it either.
“Would you...would you take it back if you could?”
Avery knows at leastsomeof the story of why I'm out, though I've always let him assume that coming out would haveeventuallyhappened anyway. Up until now, though, my answer to that question would have beenyes, absolutely.
If I could go back to a time before my first agent dropped me, to a time before the best college hockey programs stopped taking my calls, I would have saidyes, please.
But for the first time this year, I've seen the payoff. I've seen fans at the rink with rainbow flags, I've seen DM's and posts from younger queer players...
...I've seen Ethan finally realize he's not as alone as he thought.
“No.I wouldn't.”
Avery seems to breathe a deep sigh, unaware of how much more twisted my insides have gotten.
“So what changed? What made you go for it?”
“I...I got to know him. I got to know what made him tick, why he'd made the choices he had. And I couldn't convince myself I wouldn't have made the same ones in his shoes.”
“So you're, what...dating?”
I throw myself back in the chair, closing my eyes.
“We...I guess maybe wewere. But wecan't. He knows that. It's why he had his agent tellThe Neutral Zonethat we're just friends. Because, honestly? I'm not sure we're even allowed to be that.”
“So you broke up with him?”
“I tried.”
“Dude. I may not be a relationship guy, but even I know it's notthathard.”
“Well, he grabbed his phone and started an Instagram post to come out.”
“He...what?”
“He was convinced I was doing it because he wasn't out. So he was going to fix that.”
