“No. The only time it came up, he was actually against it.”
Alexei looks confused at this.
“He was right. I was using it to end a fight. It wasn't...the right motivation.”
Alexei looks at me for a long moment.
“Whatisthe right motivation, Ethan?”
I look at him, a little confused at his question. He continues.
“I don't know the answer to this. It's been something I wondered since I, uh, figured this out. How do you want to come out?Doyou?”
Once I thought I knew the answer to questions like these. Butthen, as the years passed, the answers changed.No, neverbecameNot until after I retire. And then, seemingly overnight,More than anything.
“I don't know what it is like for you, Ethan. I want to know. But I can't imagine...lying about myself constantly like that.”
My reaction to that is visceral.
“I'm not a liar.” The words come out strong, almost angry.
Alexei looks at me, his eyes soft, almost...pitying? That hurts more than his anger did.
He licks his lips, and looks like he's considering his words carefully. It reminds me of our first years playing together, when English was still a daily struggle for him. I wonder for a moment if that's what brought us together – two men struggling with what to say.
“Perhaps is wrong word. But you know this thing about yourself, yes? This truth? And yet you do not say it, even when asked. Is that not a lie?”
My chest tightens, and I recognize the feeling. Shame.
I stand up, walking in long strides to the living room, as though I can run away from the feeling. It shouldn't surprise me when it follows me – it always does. I look out the window, swiping a hand over my face. Behind me, I can feel Alexei's presence.
“You'd be surprised.”
He looks at me, confused.
“No one asks, Alexei. I don't lie because hardly anyone ever asks.”
This had been the most shocking thing to me in the NHL. I had expected more questions – why don't I date? Why am I not married? Where's my girlfriend?
And at first, there had been a few – mostly good-natured, just teammates getting to know me. But after a season or two ofneverhaving a date, it just...stopped. At the time, I had told myself that there were new rookies to get to know, that I had become the boring old guy.
Now, I wonder if they already knew.
“Do you know the last time someone asked if I was seeing someone?”
Alexei's eyebrows scrunch together, as though he's thinking hard.
“It was in October? November? For the charity thing.”
It feels like another lifetime, sitting on that plane next to Jamie as the boys chirped me about my clothes.
“No. As you'll recall, Mac just said to tell him if I needed Hailey to get me someone.”
I can tell the words hit him, as his look turns soft again.
“For the record, Jack didn't even check with me before getting me that stupid Minneapolis Monthly article.”
The softness is tinged with surprise.
