“Look, the All Star Break is a couple weeks away, and that’ll give us another week. Let it die down. I’ll spend time with the rest of the team for a bit, then head home to LA. You’ll hang with Alexei then go to Vegas and show them how amazing you are. And then, come home and we can talk about this. Really talk — not just respond to the shit around us. Honestly, we should probably push it to summer, but…”
“I can’t. Even if it’s a no, even if we can’t figure it out. I can’t spend two months waiting to hear it.”
I run my hand up into his hair, pulling his head toward me, resting my forehead against his.
“No, me neither. Either way, I need to know.”
Either way. As though there’s some combination of events where this doesn’t end in heartbreak for me.
But for now, I pretend, just for a little longer.
“Can I kiss you?”
I bite my lip, not sure I can handle it. Not sure I can handle missing out on my last chance, either.
“Just a kiss, Ethan. Just one.”
As his lips touch mine, I try to memorize the feeling — his beard scratching my hand, his tongue darting out to trace along my lips. But all of that is drowned out by the knowledge that this is the last time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
ETHAN
It isn'tuntil I have to do without Jamie that I realize how much he's become part of my daily life. It's not just having him at home or the regular sex – that has all been a fairly recent revelation. Instead, I feel it most when we travel with the team. I've grown used to having him next to me on every flight – sleeping, reading, watching film. No matter what, it makes the trip go faster.
When he starts sitting with Matty, Lindy, Sutter, and Gags, I feel...lost. That first time, I look around like a dog missing his owner, wondering what on Earth I'll do with myself for the three hour flight to Seattle.
Now, on our way back home from the road trip, it feels like I should be used to it. Aside from that first night at the hotel, I haven't seen him much at all on this trip.
I'm not used to it. I don'twantto be used to it.
I know he assured me that we would talk about this after the Break, that it wasn't “goodbye” so much as “see you later”. But here in this seat, all by myself? It feels like goodbye.
Like he did on the way out, Alexei sits down next to me, shoving his backpack under the seat in front of him. I can't believe how wrong it feels – up until Coach's dictate earlier this season, Alexei had been my seatmate for nearly a decade. For God's sake, I've ridden next to him on the way to Stanley Cup Finals games. Still, right now he feels very much like a consolation prize.
I can't help but let my eyes drift to the back of the plane, where Jamie is sitting next to Lindy. He has a book out, but his eyes seem to be focused out the window. He hasn't been himself this week, the light seemingly leached out of him. Our play has suffered, and I can sense the tension in our teammates as they wonder what the hell has happened.
Hell if I know. One day I was in a locker room telling the kid to be less...himself, and the next I was in his hotel room, trying to post about my sexuality on Instagram. It happened so slowly, and then all at once.
Next to me, Alexei clears his throat, and I turn my gaze back to him.
“Ethan, I think we need to have dinner together tonight.”
For all that he is my best friend, the idea sounds painful to him. Like something he's forcing himself to do.
“Sure, that would be nice. Maybe the Greek place by the arena?”
He pauses, as though trying to gather his words.
“No. I think this will be a conversation for your house.”
That sounds serious. I assumed he just wanted to keep me distracted. I didn't think he had anagendafor this meeting.
“You got something you need to say to me?”
“We'll talk tonight, Ethan.”
We land backin Minneapolis at 5 PM. As I grab my bag from the luggage cart, I feel Alexei sidle up beside me.
