But she felt the emptiness much more. So, she stepped back.
“I’m not the girl you fell in love with anymore, Rowan.”
“Yes, you are,” he said without missing a beat. “You’re just…not whole.”
“And you refuse to help me.”
“I won’t risk it.”
A bitter smile on the former Hand’s lips. “Of course. The decree?—”
“I don’t give a rotten second about the decree.” His hands were on her face again. “I won’t riskyou!”
And she understood.
In fact, she was eleven-hours certain that she would do the exact same thing if the roles were reversed. If it was Rowan in her place, if there was a chance that she could damage him by telling him the truth, she wouldn’t.
Yes, she understood.
But she’d long admitted to herself that she was selfish enough not to care. Because their rolesweren’treversed. It wasn’t Rowan who’d lost himself—it washer.And in the end, that was what mattered the most. That was why she felt betrayed, even though she understood.
“Then let me go,” the Club girl whispered, breaking her own heart, stomping all over the pieces of his. She saw it clearly, even though her view was a bit blurry—must have been the tears.
Rowan touched his forehead to hers. “Never.”
Never.
Such a simple word, yet she could have sworn she heard it beingscreamedsomewhere close, by a voice that she knew but didn’t, in pure, raw rage. She heard the echo of the scream clearly, and it took her focus from Rowan again as her mind chased the ghost of the memory instinctively.Rowan spoke and spoke, moved his lips, but she didn’t hear a single word.
She couldn’t catch the memory of the scream, either.
“…you’renot well.”
A noise rang in her ears—almost like a chime. A chime she’d heard before…somewhere.
She blinked her eyes, the tears slipped, and Rowan’s face was crystal clear again. She’d wrapped her hands around his arms, had leaned in, her body craving him like always, but it was her mind that kept her back. Her heart was too empty.
“I canseethat, Mim-Mim—you’re not well!” he said, a little panicked now. “You constantly lose yourself—don’t you see? You constantly slip, and it’s like you’re no longer even there, and I’m terrified!”
Pain stabbed at her chest and gut and neck. More tears spilled from her eyes as Rowan kissed her forehead and her eyes, and her nose, and her lips.
How long had it been since the last time she’d felt him so close?
A month or two, but it felt likedecadesto the former Hand.
“I won’t risk it. I’ll wait a thousand years if I have to. I won’t risk it,” he kept chanting, planting kisses all over her face, and she was lost again, hadslippedlike he said, so her instincts took over when he kissed her lips again, and she kissed him back. Automatically, without really thinking.
Meanwhile, in the darkness of her mind, shadows moved until Rowan let go. Stepped back. Looked at her like she’d done so much worse than assault him or break his heart.
This, too, she understood. Andheneeded to come to terms with what she’d been telling him for weeks now.
“I’m not your Mim-Mim anymore, Rowan. Let me go,” she forced herself to say, and this time when she ran around him and across the room, he didn’t stop her.
Tears blurred her way. The tower was tall, and the stairway was wide, and there were glassless windows every few feet on the stone walls. She usually liked to take a moment to look outside and appreciate the incredible architecture of her home, the towers, the trees, the lights dotting every wall like fireflies moving in the night—but right now she couldn’t. Right now, she didn’t care. The echo of Rowan’s pain followed her every step down the tower.
She only realized she was outside when the warm night air slipped into her lungs. She stopped running just outside the tower, but she continued to walk, like her legs were incapable of standing still, her body demanding movement. She ignored all the other Clubs who were out and running, passed building after building, instinctively moving toward the edge of the neighborhood where there were fewer lights, so she could have a moment of peace.
That’s all she wanted—a moment of peace.
