“Nope,” Gabby lied, and stared out the window at the trees.
RYAN
Ryan and Chelsea checked into the hotel in Midtown, dropping their bags in a teeny room with a window overlooking the roof of the building next door and a bathroom hardly big enough to turn around in. “This is cool,” Chelsea said, bouncing a bit on the mattress. “I’m not going to lie, I feel very grown-up right now.”
Ryan felt very grown-up too, although his dad had given him the credit card number to make the reservation, Ryan paying him back with the rest of the money he’d socked awayworking at Walter’s. “Good job, kid,” he’d said when Ryan had explained the situation, slapping him a little too hard between his shoulder blades. “Popular with the girls just like your old man, huh?” Ryan knew the whole thing was probably a little messed up—maybe more than a little—but it was also nice to feel like his dad was proud of him, even if it was only for something like this.
“So, what first?” Chelsea asked, pulling a pop-up map of Manhattan out of her purse as they rode the tiny elevator downstairs to the lobby. Chelsea had a long list of things she wanted to do while they were here, more than they could ever cram into eighteen hours: the Empire State Building, a park that was built on old railroad tracks, some haunted theme restaurant with animatronic monsters. “Should we take the subway? The internet says it’s almost always faster to take the subway, but I don’t want to get lost and wind up wandering around underground the whole time.”
Ryan had no idea; he hadn’t spent a ton of time in the city either, beyond a couple of Rangers games with his dad when he was a kid. He’d booked the hotel, but Chelsea was the one who had done all the research. She’d make an excellent cruise director, he thought. “You’re the boss,” he said, and Chelsea grinned at him.
“That’s a fact.”
They ended up walking until they hit Times Square, all crowded sidewalks and biting air, the smell of car exhaust and roasting meat and the mysterious smoke coming up outof the sewers. Ryan couldn’t get over how tall everything was here, the way the buildings loomed above him. He couldn’t decide if he liked it or he didn’t, and he wished for a moment that Gabby was here so that he could ask her what she thought.
“So that was the Sacred Heart scout at the ice center again last night, huh?” Chelsea asked as they poked through a store devoted entirely to M&M’s.
Ryan nodded. It was the second time the guy had shown up, which was promising; he’d had a decent game, though there was no guarantee he was what the coaches there were looking for. The powerless uncertainty of this whole stupid process was driving him a little bit insane. Even if he got recruited, there was no guarantee of a scholarship. Even if he got a scholarship, there was no guarantee it would be enough. “We’ll see,” he hedged after a moment.
Chelsea was undeterred. “That’s exciting, though,” she pointed out, filling a plastic baggie with bright purple candy; the whole gimmick of this place seemed to be how many different colors you could get, which seemed beside the point to Ryan since they all tasted exactly the same. “Their team is pretty good.”
Their team was average at best, actually, but Ryan knew what she was hinting at. Chelsea was staying at home for college, so if he wound up at school in Connecticut it would be easy for them to see each other. Still, it was weird of her not to just come out and say it. Normally, she was incrediblydirect. It was one of the things Ryan liked most about her.
“It’ll depend on where they want me,” he said again, helping himself to a sample of white M&M’s and ignoring a nasty look from the cashier. “If they want me anywhere.”
Chelsea smiled, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. “They’ll want you,” she assured him.
Ryan smiled back but didn’t say anything. He knew she was trying to be supportive, but sometimes it felt like an extra layer of pressure, trying to figure this whole college thing out with a girlfriend to think about on top of everything else. They hadn’t talked about it explicitly, but he guessed he understood why Chelsea would expect him to take her into account when he was figuring out where he was going to go. After all, they’d been together a full year. That was a lifetime in high school. It was literally twelve times longer than any other relationship Ryan had ever had.
Still, he thought as he took Chelsea’s bag of candy, digging some cash out of his pocket: it was only a year. He’d been offended all those months ago when Gabby had been so sure he was going to get tired of Chelsea like he’d gotten tired of every other girl he’d been with. Part of him had wanted to prove her wrong. But another part of him felt like he’d blinked and all this time had gone by, and now his relationship with Chelsea had all these long-term strings attached that he’d never entirely bargained for. It kind of made him feel a little trapped.
Chelsea leaned in close as they left the candy store,angling her body into his as a buffer from the rushing crowd on the sidewalk. Ryan wrapped a protective arm around her, feeling like a bit of a dick. After all, it wasn’t like he didn’t love her. He totally loved her. She was awesome. But who knew what could happen in another year? Who knew if they’d still be together? Honestly, Ryan had a million friends, and he liked all of them, but the only person he knew for absolute sure he still wanted to be around after graduation was—
Well. Gabby, actually. But somehow he didn’t think that was the kind of thing Chelsea wanted to hear.
Thinking about Gabby had him digging his phone out of his pocket to see if she’d texted to say how it was going; she hadn’t, but Ryan didn’t know if that meant anything or not. It was hard to tell what the deal was with her and Shay lately. When he could get her to talk about it at all, Gabby always said everything was business as usual, but Ryan wasn’t so sure. Maybe he ought to text her, just to che—
“Everything okay?” Chelsea asked, peering at him over the top of her pop-up map.
“Everything’s great,” Ryan said, slipping his phone back into his pocket. “Where to next?”
GABBY
By the time Ryan dropped her in front of Shay’s dorm building, the general anxiety that had been simmering behind herbreastbone all day had flared up into something immediate and unignorable; Gabby tried to take a deep breath. Sometimes her panic felt like a stranger handing her a screaming baby and then walking blithely away: She didn’t want it. She couldn’t control it. And her guess was as good as anybody else’s about what would make it stop.
Here!she texted, glancing nervously around the lobby. It looked like a fancy apartment, with a bank of elevators and a reception desk and swarms of college kids rushing across the marble tile in a blur of scarves and boots and slouchy wool hats that somehow hung effortlessly off the very back of people’s heads without ever slipping off. Gabby jammed her hands in the pockets of her parka, feeling like she might as well be wearing a sign around her neck that saidEmbarrassing High Schooler from the Suburbs. She hovered near the revolving door and stared studiously down at her sneakers, trying not to get in anyone’s way.
Be right down!Shay texted back after what felt like an eternity. Gabby let out a breath.
It was an even longer, more uncomfortable age before Shay finally appeared in the lobby, wearing jeans and a pale gray T-shirt that showed off her collarbones, her long hair in a braid over one shoulder. “Well hey,” she said, planting a kiss on Gabby’s mouth, smiling. Then she pulled back and frowned. “Are you okay?”
“Yup!” Gabby lied. The last thing she wanted was to be showing up on her girlfriend’s college doorstep smack in themiddle of a panicker. She thought maybe if she could act like it wasn’t happening, it wouldn’t be. “I’m great. Really happy to see you.”
“Me too.” Shay grinned as she led Gabby up a flight of narrow stairs and down a cinderblock hallway, waving or saying hi to almost everyone they passed. “I have a million things planned for while you’re here.”
Gabby’s eyes widened. “You do?”
“I do,” Shay said, stopping in front of a door festooned with a giant construction-paper heart readingShay and Adriaand letting them inside. “Some things before others, obviously.”
