“Because I only came back to say goodbye.”
Raindrops fall against my skin. “Goodbye? You just got here.”
“I know that,” he says, letting out a breath. “But I can’t stay long.”
“Then we can do something else,” I suggest. “We don’t have to see a movie if you don’t want to. We can always do that when you’re back.”
“I’m not coming back.”
I go quiet for a moment, unsure what he means by this. “What are you talking about?”
“I said I’m not coming back.”
A chill goes through me. I wait for him to say more but he doesn’t. “You’re scaring me here. Is this about Christian? Because I don’t even talk to him anymore. I promise I won’t—”
“It’s not about him,” he says.
“Then what is it? Why are you leaving?”
Haru doesn’t answer this, making my stomach sink. The rain continues to fall around us. He moves my hair out of my face and says, “I’m not mad at you, alright? But you know this couldn’t be forever. Don’t want to keep you from your life.”
“But you’re a part of my life,” I tell him. “What are you trying to say?”
Haru lets out a breath. “You know we can’t be together. That I would have to go eventually. I realized there are things I could never do for you. I’ll always be a paper flower in your life, and you deserve a real one.”
I love his paper flowers. Doesn’t he understand this?
I let go of his hand. “Don’t say that. I don’t want you to go. I don’t need anything else from you. Don’t you care about me?”
Haru takes my face in his hands, raindrops bouncing off his skin. “In another world, I would spend every second with you. But I don’t want you to live in that world. I don’t want you to spend your life waiting for me.”
There’s a pain in my chest. I thought we had a second chance to fix things. He’s been gone for weeks. Now he’s come back just to say goodbye? I swallow my breath and say, “Okay, fine. If that’s what you really think. You can go then.”
“I don’t want us to leave things like this.” Haru reaches for my hand.
But I step away from him. “You’re the one ending this,” I remind him. “I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised, though. That someone else in my life is leaving me.”I never thought it would be you.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
We stare at each other. At this point, I’m glad it’s raining. So he can’t see the tears coming down. “It doesn’t matter. You can just go.”
The streetlights come on, illuminating the trees that line the path. When I think there’s nothing more to say, I turn around and head off. Maybe a part of me thinks Haru will stop me. But there’s no hand on my shoulder, no voice calling after me as I’m walking away. I don’t bother to turn around, checking if he’s still standing there. Because there’s nothing I can do to make him stay.
I only wish you’d told me sooner. So I didn’t have to wait for you.
Nineteen
The next few weeks are pale and gloomy. I spend my daysinside the house, staring at the walls, watching movies in my room. Long naps in the afternoons are a good way to pass the time. Haru hasn’t shown up since we said goodbye. Not that I’m expecting him to anymore. I’ll still find myself waiting up for him sometimes. It’s hard keeping people off your mind when they’ve taken so much space in it. I’ve been trying to forget about him. I take all the things he’s made me, place them inside a box, and shove it far back in the closet.
I’m focusing more on myself these days. I started working on college applications again and sent some of them out. I even applied to a few places outside of Illinois, one of them in New York City. I’m not sure what I’ll do if I get accepted. But I won’t have to decide for a few months anyway. The film scholarship has been on my mind. The one I told Jasmine about. The deadline passed a few days ago and I never submitted anything. But they just sent out an email, extending the deadline to next week. This gives me another chance to produce something. While I don’t have time to go out to film anything, I have folders of unused videos I could potentiallypiece together into something interesting. I just have to come up with an idea. I spend the next few days working on nothing else but the scholarship.
It’s cold out when I arriveat the theater. I see my breath in front of me as I push through the doors. I’ve been taking on extra shifts at the box office. It’s become the most consistent thing that gets me out of the house. I like the monotony of answering phones, handing out tickets, watching people come in and out of the lobby. It’s also the only time I see Simon and Alex, my necessary dose of social interaction for the week.
The lobby quiets down when the show starts. I’m sitting at the counter, staring out at the entrance doors. Sometimes I’ll catch myself looking for him. I wish I could get him out of my mind. I know he won’t show up again…
“Are you still looking for that guy?”
Simon’s voice pulls me back.
