I can choose to see how it ends, and maybe even when.
But at the last second, I close my eyes.
I close my eyes, and I pretend they have forever.
——
The reception is in a hotel ballroom twenty minutes away. Dani and I take the wedding shuttle together, along with Aunt Collette and Uncle Allan. I drink sparkling cider, eat hors d’oeuvres and listen to Dani critique the dresses of all the women in a kind way. She tells me the history of marriage as an institution. Mostly it sucked for women.
After a while, the wedding band gets everyone’s attention. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Larry Thomas.”
I have a moment where my heart breaks for Mom, the original Mrs. Thomas. But then I remember that she did what was best for everyone, including herself.
And then everyone is clapping and hooting.
Shirley is crying and Dad is wiping her tears. He tells her that he loves her and that he always will.
All that matters is that he feels it now.
All that matters is right now.
I turn to Dani. “I have to go,” I say.
——
In romance books there’s always a chase scene. It happens near the end, when one person realizes they’ve made a colossal mistake and then has to go through a series of obstacles to get back to the other person.
My chase scene starts just outside the hotel, where there is a line of cabs waiting. It’s only after I get into one that I realize I don’t know X’s address. I text Fifi. Miraculously, she’s not teaching a class. She texts me Archibald and Maggie’s address right away. She can’t resist adding:
don’t know what took you so long
boy is too sexy to let go of
good luck
Traffic getting back to LA is awful because…because traffic in LA is always awful. It takes us forty-five minutes to get to midcity. The cabdriver turns onto Wilshire. Unbelievably, traffic is even worse. It’d be faster for me to ride my bike. I tell the driver to turn onto Curson and take me to my apartment instead. I run inside and grab my bike lock key. I don’t stop to change my clothes. I can bike in a dress. By the time I realize I’m still wearing my heels, I don’t have the patience to go back. All I can think of is getting to X as soon as possible. There are so many things to say to him and not enough time to say them. I don’t want to miss another second of being with him.
I hear the old woman’s voice in my head, telling me that the power would leave me when I was ready. And I feel the moment when it does go away. Weirdly, it’s like adjusting the focus on a set of binoculars. The power leaves me, and the world is somehow clearer than it was before.
Maggie answers the door when I get to her house. She looks like she was expecting me and gives me a hug. “You look very nice, dear,” she says, before telling me that X is playing guitar in the living room.
The very short walk from her door to the living room is the longest I’ve ever taken.
I don’t know exactly when or how X is going to die. I don’t know how I’m going to survive the crater he’ll leave inside me.
The only thing I know for sure is that I can’t live with knowing I could’ve had more time with him and I didn’t take it. It doesn’t matter that love ends. It just matters that there’s love.
X stops playing as soon as I’m in the doorway, as if he can sense me there.
“It’s my dad’s wedding today,” I say.
He stares down at his feet. “When?”
“Right now. I mean, it happened already.”
“Did you go?”
“I did. It was nice. The reception is happening right now.”
