His eyes slowly opened and at first, Rob was confused. Was that all a dream? He looked at the bedside clock and saw that it was almost two in the afternoon. Despite all that sleep, he felt groggy and out of sorts.
He got up and walked into the dining area. Seeing his journal lying open on the table and his now-cold cup of coffee, he knew it was all real.
When his stomach growled, he realized he’d missed both breakfast and lunch. He didn’t feel hungry but knew he should eat something. He found a protein bar in his mini-backpack and ate that while he made a new cup of coffee.
You really need to snap out of this, Rob!
But he couldn’t. He felt torn and unsure. Mulling it all over, he had an idea.
Opening the message app on his phone, he saw a new text that Ben had sent a few hours earlier.
I’m worried about you, but I’ll leave you alone if you just tell me that you’re ok.
He quickly replied.
I’m ok. I need some time. I’m sorry.
He was almost afraid that Ben might respond right away, so he quickly switched to Sam’s account, typed a question, then hit Send.
Are you awake? I really need you.
He stared at the screen, saw three dots and then her response.
Skyping now.
God, he loved her. She was always there for him.
His phone rang and he pressed Accept on the screen. He saw Sam, looking very worried.
“What’s wrong, Sweetie?”
“Oh Sam, I’m so confused. You need to help me figure this out.”
“Of course. If you don’t mind my saying, you look like hell and I can tell you’ve been crying. And sure, I’ll help you. What’s going on?”
Rob chuckled. Leave it to Sam to tell him he looked awful but then immediately shift gears and offer assistance.
“Okay, but I need to give you all the background so get comfortable. And you might want to get a beverage. This may take a while.”
“Already there, my friend.” Sam lifted a large cup into view. “I’m snuggled in bed with coffee. Now tell me what happened.”
Rob told her everything that had happened since their last conversation. He didn’t leave anything out, including the fact that he had feelings for Ben. And apparently Ben also had feelings for him.
When he got to the part about finding Alan’s note in the travel journal earlier that morning, Sam sighed. He walked over to the journal and read the note to Sam, his voice breaking several times and more tears running down his face.
“Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling.”
“It hurts so much, Sam! I think I went a little crazy this morning. But now I’m so confused about my feelings,” Rob admitted, wiping his eyes.
“Okay, tell me what you did.”
Rob continued his story, explaining how he put off Ben for breakfast and then spent the rest of the morning crying, doubting himself, and sleeping. He confessed that he felt guilty for feeling something for Ben because he still loved Alan, and how that left his heart in knots.
“I should have stayed home. I don’t deserve someone else. I should still be mourning Alan.”
Sam looked intently at Rob and frowned. “Honey, I love you, but don’t be stupid. Listen to yourself; you don’t deserve someone else? What kind of shit-talk is that? Of course you deserve to be happy. We all do. If Alan were here, he’d be the first one to tell you that you’re being an idiot. You know I’m right.”
Rob smiled, “How do you do that? You’re saying the things that have been spinning around in my head all day, but when you say it, it sounds reasonable. When I think it, it sounds selfish and wrong.”
