I tapped my foot against the floor, jaw grinding to yank the words out of me.
“I suddenly had too much to lose,” I finally admitted. “And I panicked. Because the last time I felt even an inkling of that, I lost.”
Waden. Pride. Confidence. Trust.
Everything.
Ryker’s hand tensed in mine, bringing both of them to his chest and pulling me into him. There we were in the threshold, him in his room, me in mine, standing on the precipice of more.
“You won’t lose me,” he said fiercely, eyes sparking with a bluer tinge than usual.
“I want to believe that, I do,” I said just as earnestly. “But…”
“But you’ve been burned.”
“Experience.” I huffed a laugh that sounded nothing but sorrowful. “I’ve lost too much to withstand another blow. I can’t. Not right now.”
In the future, when I became myself once more and the wounds hardened, maybe.
But I didn’t even know what being myself even meant anymore. If I wasn’t fighting myself and the world to be worthy of a crown, constantly in motion and worry, who was I?
The fierceness from my past had hidden a bottomless desolation I’d refused to confront. It would have slowly destroyed me.
The weakness of today only made me feel guilty that I couldn’t repatch myself through some miracle.
I was…not lost, but I needed to find all of myself.
“Your heart needs to heal,” he said softly, making me feel seen and understood–which only increased the fear of loss. It was a game I couldn’t win. “It would be an honor if you allowed me to help you with that.”
“I want to.” I nodded too much and too fast. “I really do.”
Escape those fears whispering inside, tripping me at every opportunity.
But I could right myself. Piece by piece.
I stepped back, hand lingering in his right until both of our arms were stretched to the limit, loath to let go.
Then I tugged on his fingers, a silent invitation.
“That is your room,” he said, both hesitant and hopeful.
“I know,” I said with a courage I didn’t feel. “I want to let you in.”
He’d never once trespassed, though this was his fortress. That only made me want him in my room, my space, myself even more.
He followed me slowly, as if wary I might change my mind if he stepped too far in.
We stopped in the center of the room, staring at each other, hands still linked.
These few steps away from the door felt momentous. Like the start of something new that both terrified and gave me strength.
He must have felt the same, because there was a hectic rhythm to his heartbeats, the pulse rushing in his fingers.
“Welcome,” I muttered, more self-conscious than I should have.
“Thank you.” His gaze trailed slowly over the room. “I admit, I’d never thought we’d get to have this.”
I raised my brows.
