I thought about how I’d kept him at a distance since our fight, the risk of trying yet again to get him to open up, but something in his face, the set of his shoulders, demanded I try once more.
I slowly moved toward him, worried that if I made any sudden movements, he’d shy away. “It’s clearly not nothing.” I rested my hand on his arm, ignoring the jolt of power, and he stiffened. He slept in my bed every night, but this was the first time since our fight that either of us had touched the other. I wasn’t counting the rare mornings I’d woken up first and found myself in his arms. I hesitated, wondering if he would shake off my hand. “Tell me.”
He took a deep breath, refusing to look at me, before drawing in on himself once more. “I just got some bad news is all.” He threw himself onto my couch, and I followed him, tucking a leg up underneath myself as I faced him.
“We’re friends, right?” I asked him softly.
He shot me a look and let out a strained laugh. “Yeah, Princess. We’re friends.”
“Then tell me what happened. That’s what friends do.” At his obstinate look, I added, “Don’t make me ask a third time, Griff.”
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, rubbing his face in his hands. My hand came to his back, tracing small circles. Again, he stiffened, his back rigid under my touch.
“I received news. Of a death. One of my oldest friends. He took on a group of hufen. And lost.”
More people suffering and dying, because of me. Because I hadn’t figured out how to fixthe Veil yet.
My mind jumped straight over grief to logistics. “Dead? Or… changed?”
“Does it matter?” His voice was muffled by his hands. “Either way, he’s gone.”
I wrapped my arms around Griff, but he didn’t turn to me. The silence stretched between us, empty and lonely. All the times he’d given me comfort, and now when I had a chance to reciprocate, he was refusing to accept it.
Tough. He was getting support from me, whether he liked it or not. I knew him well enough to know that he needed it. Needed someone. I rested my head against his back, silently telling him I was there.
After a moment, he untangled himself from me, only to lean over and clamp his arms around me himself, drawing me closer until I was sitting on his lap. He buried his head in my neck.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured into his hair. “I’m so sorry.”
“I should have been there,” he whispered, so quietly I almost didn’t hear it.
“You couldn’t have known.” I ran my fingers through his hair, digging into the tense muscles at the base of his neck. “And if you’d been there, maybe you would have died too.”
He pulled back and his eyes met mine, desperate and searching. “I can’t lose anyone else. I can’t—” He stopped himself, his jaw clenching.
“It’s because you’re here with me, isn’t it?” I said slowly, releasing him. “You would have been out there instead of him. Except you feel like you have to stay here. Because of me.”
He brushed a stray piece of hair off my face. “You are the most important thing.”
“Bullshit, Griff. I don’t want you in danger, but if people are dying because you’re here with me… If your particular mix of skills are what’s needed, then you need to be out there. I can take care of myself. If you’re needed, you should go.”
“I should rephrase. You are the most important thingto me.” His eyes bored into mine. “I will not leave you unprotected.”
For a moment, something flickered between us.
“I worry about you, too, you know,” I said softly. “When you’re gone.”
It looked like he wanted to say something, but then he deliberately pulled away and shook his head, the familiar mask sliding into place.
I shifted away from him. Even though we were right next to each other, it felt like there was a gaping chasm between us. Was I the most important thing to him because he was duty bound to protect me, or was it something more? And if it was something more, wouldn’t he have acted on it instead of always pulling away?
Turning away from him, I loosened my hair from my braid and began brushing it.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” he asked, his voice carefully controlled.
Noted. We were done talking about his feelings.
“Finn said something about air wielding. Meeting Fiadh.” I glanced at him to see if I’d gotten the name right, and he nodded in recognition. “Kaia has taught me a bit, how to use air while fighting, but he wants me to learn from someone who has the full channel.”
