Broken Mirror
Ikicked my nightstand, frustration rising to a boiling point.
Going to sleep had been an outright failure, and tossing and turning all night didn’t appeal to me in the slightest.
Rage, disgust, self-hatred, and shame ripped at me with greedy claws. I was so stupid, thinking Zevrial would be different. Trusting him. Hoping he’d accept me. But everyone saw the same thing once they knew what I’d done.
My kick had knocked a drawer ajar, a faint glow emanating from within.
Pulling myself out of my pity party long enough to pick up the mirror, I sat on my bed and double tapped the surface.
“Lisia,” Mama’s face appeared, looking wan. “I thought it would be better if I spoke to you instead of your father. He is…” she blew out a sigh. “Still very upset with you right now.”
Picturing him red in the face was far too easy to imagine.
“When you get back from your operation, please don’t come by the house.” I frowned as she continued. “He needs moretime to cool down. You’ve really pushed him over the edge. He’s talking about disowning you.”
My mouth fell open. He wouldn’t. After everything I’d been through for them? More dewy tears touched my cheek.
“And I can understand why. Your reprobate behavior has been incredibly inconsiderate and selfish. We’ve done everything we could for you. If you’d had the patience and manners to stay until the end of dinner with Jessarian, you’d know we reached an agreement with him to keep you safe from Voyager operations until you’d at least had time to start a family.”
Knowing that on top of everything else, I’d been offered as a brood mare had my skin burning with embarrassment and anger.
“But after that fiasco at the wedding…I’m not sure I can defend your actions anymore. I heard about the message you left your father after the dust settled at the church. But I mean, the caterer, Lisia? Really?” She shook her head. “Regardless of what you thought you were doing, you’ve ruined the reputation of our family. We’re pariahs now. No one will even talk to us after Holy Day services.” She shook her head again. “For now, we need some distance. Be safe.”
Her blurry image disappeared. I wiped away the hot tears of frustration that were flowing down my cheeks.
The impulse to hurl the mirror against the wall overtook me. I clenched my fingers until they were white around its handle, reaching with my other hand to double tap the surface. I didn’t even have to focus on Mama’s face, my mind was still stuck in a loop hearing her repeat ‘I’m not sure I can defend your actions anymore’.
She hadn’t bothered to say she loved me. I didn’t bother with any pleasantries.
“You want to know what’s selfish?” I bit out, ignoring the tears that were still squeezing themselves down my face in the reflection. “Choosing to conceive a third child when you know you’re already at the allowed birth limit. Asking your youngest daughter to raise your son to hide the truth of his birth from everyone else.” My words were starting to slur into a hot hiss of anger. “Lying to the Ascendancy and pretending that your baby was your daughter’s to avoid facing any penalties yourself. Telling me to lie to them, to pretend I was a victim. Making me choose between my own life and a stranger’s, and my brother’s. Allowing them to send your own daughter away for TWO YEARS.” I stopped myself, taking a deep breath so I wouldn’t be screaming anymore. “Two years in the Reformatory for a crime thatyoucommitted.”
In my mind’s eye, Alaric wailed, swaddled in fabric as he was taken away to be given back to the Devourer. Tiny fists reaching out toward me, the only mother he’d ever known. Fury and sorrow choked me. Red hazed over my vision.
“And then asking me to give up any possibility of future happiness to marry a man I hate so you can live in luxury off his family’s bridewealth.” A wet bark of a laugh, half sob, escaped me. “You’ve chosen your own selfish wants over my happiness for the last time. You don’t get to call me selfish. I tried.” My view of the mirror was entirely clouded by tears. “I tried to tell you I wouldn’t marry him. Again and again. I told Papa I wouldn’t do it, and I begged,” tears crushed my voice into a wet gargle. “I begged him to cancel as much of the wedding as he could and recover any funds before it was too late. He didn’t.” I sucked in a ragged breath. “So do whatever you want. Blame me. Disown me. Pretend I never existed. Because I’m not a victim. And you don’t have a daughter anymore. You’re both strangers to me.”
I slapped the mirror with my palm until the recording stopped. A crack split the surface as I dropped it.
Alaric’s yo-yo rested beside the broken mirror, chipped paint beside fractured glass. It reflected how I felt.
Hugging myself, I curled into a ball and wept.
Chapter 39
Mist
It wasn’t a good day to be gathering Starshells. Then again, I hadn’t had a good day since I’d heard my mother’s mirror missive.
The same day I’d fought with Zevrial and started avoiding him. Which was fiendishly tricky to succeed at given the size of the Arc and the decision to bunk in the cabin next to his.
I squeezed Alaric’s yo-yo in my pocket. It was a new staple of my daily wardrobe for the comfort it brought. Lately, any comfort was fleeting.
Mammatus clouds dusted the skyline ahead as we reached Raevar.
“A storm is coming. Collect Starshells until those clouds break ,” Brialla called out to us from where she’d already disembarked. “Get as many as you can. As soon as the rain starts, get back to the Shadowtide and stay below deck.” The order carried the quiet confidence of her voice.
Brialla was tall and lean, built like she could run for days then run some more. Her dark hair was piled into a thick braid crown on her head, held tightly down against the wind. She projected strong and unflappable, like a boulder in a river. If something went sideways, she’d be the first person everyone in a room looked toward for guidance. Being Shadowtide’s captain suited her.
