“If leaving me is not what you truly want, then come with me. Don’t think about anything else! I’ll make sure you have everything again—a castle, servants, all of it. We can finally be together. I refuse to be separated from you again. I can’t endure another three years!” Anguish and desperation stirred in his dark eyes.
Maxi thought that a dagger to the chest would not have been as painful. The desire to give in felt as though it would split her in half. Her heart vehemently nodded in agreement, while her reason adamantly shook its head. It was clear to her which of the two she had to follow.
Maxi’s face crumpled as tears began to trickle down her cheeks. She barely managed to get the words past her quivering lips.
“I-I cannot do that.”
Her throat burned as she tried to suppress the violent sobs that threatened to explode from her chest. She let out a ragged breath.
“How can you expect me t-to live with my head heldhigh…a-after taking everything from you? Marrying me…h-has brought you…n-nothing good…. You had to fight in a campaign you didn’t want…and face harrowing ordeals…. A-And now you stand to lose everything…y-your knighthood, estate, fortune, your comrades…. How can I turn a blind eye?!”
“I told you, it doesn’t matter. Not to me! As long as I have you, nothing else matters!”
“I-It matters to me!”
Hot tears streamed down Maxi’s cheeks. She tore at her hair and wailed, “All my life…I thought myself worthless. I c-couldn’t bear the shame. That’s why…I could never r-reveal my true self to anyone…. That’s why I couldn’t be honest…. And yet I couldn’t swallow my pride…so I lied…and pretended to be fine.”
Maxi squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to stem the endless flow of tears.
“I-I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want…to stop hating myself.”
She could just make out Riftan’s face, contorted with misery, through her misty vision. She blindly clutched his arm.
“I-I am not going…just for you. I want to change. I don’t want to be…ashamed of myself anymore. So…let me go.”
There was a deathly pause.
“No,” Riftan said flatly. “I won’t allow it.” He jerked his arm as though he had been branded with a hot iron and backed away.
“L-Let me go,” Maxi cried. “You have to…let me go.”
“I said,no!”
Riftan’s broad shoulders, which had always seemed as immobile as a pair of boulders, trembled violently. He looked at her with tormented eyes before fleeing the room.
Finding herself unable to go after him, Maxi sank to the floor. Her whole body shook as though she had just emerged from a tempestuous storm.
She hugged herself as she broke into violent sobs. Hot tears flowed down her cheeks, even soaking her neck. It felt like a part of her had been brutally severed. Was all of this truly necessary? Must she leave him knowing it would hurt him and cause her nothing but misery?
Doubt and grief engulfed her. Squeezing her eyes shut, she covered her face with her hands and wailed. She resented everything that had led to this, including herself.
—
When Maxi’s tears finally driedup, the fatigue and tension that had been building over the last few days flooded in. She barely managed to bathe with Ludis’s help before getting changed. The dam of emotions that had collapsed inside her seemed to have sapped all the strength from her limbs. Maxi went straight to bed and promptly lost consciousness.
Sunlight was streaming into the bedchamber when she came to. She sluggishly hauled herself up and squinted at the glowing windowpane, then at the empty space next to her.
After running her hand over the cold sheet, she climbed out of bed and wrapped a shawl around her shoulders. She was about to head straight out to seek Riftan but thought better of it. He likely needed time to think, just as she had needed time to organize her thoughts.
Maxi tottered to the basin near the fireplace to wash her face. She began to get ready for the day, and Ludis entered the bedchamber just as she was combing her hair.
“Good morning, my lady.” The maidservant gave Maxi a genial smile and lowered an armful of wood next to the fireplace. “Shall I bring your breakfast right away? You must be hungry after going to bed without a proper supper.”
Maxi felt her heart soften at the maidservant’s gentle expression. Her voice came out in a frog-like croak as she mumbled, “Yes, please.”
“One moment, my lady. I will be back in a jiffy with a delicious meal.”
After feeding the dying fire more kindling and stoking it with the bellows, Ludis started making her way toward the door.
