“Oh, I think it’s funny. I think it’s hilarious.”
Something about his belief that hehasto take the comments makes me feel sad for him. I want to ask more questions, but he says, “Do you know what I liked about you that night? Jason didn’t come up once. I can count the number of conversations I’ve had in this town where Jason didn’t come up.”
He’s right. I didn’t even know he was related to Jason when we met.
“When he found out we were moving here, Jay told me in no uncertain terms that he ran this town. He owned it, and therewouldn’t be any room for me. I tried to convince my dad to let us stay in California, but he wanted to come back because of his health.
“Meeting you felt like this…sign that it would be okay. That I could find a way to belong here.”
I’m surprised about the picture he has of Jason in his mind. The Jason I know is tough, sometimes cocky, but would he tell his cousin that there’s no space for him in Sterlingwood? I don’t think so.
“It must suck to constantly be compared when you both have your own strengths,” I say, treading carefully. And it’s true. There are things I’m sure I can go to Marcus for that I can’t go to Jason for. Conversations I’vehadwith Marcus that I would never have with Jason, and it’s not because one is better than the other. They’re just different.
Marcus looks horrified. “I hope you’re not feeling bad for me.”
“I’m feeling bad for me. I think the mind melding is starting to work,” I say as I massage my temples.
“Why would you say that?” Marcus asks, frowning when I tell him about the headache.
“They seem connected somehow. I’m not totally sure how, but it does seem like every time I get a bad headache, I dream.Wedream. I went to the doctor a few days ago and got some pills, but I’m waiting till I figure out the Jason thing before I start taking them.”
Marcus frowns. “Please tell me you’re joking, Zadie.”
“It’s not like I’mgivingmyself migraines. I just know that…”
“And you’re getting one now?” he interrupts. “I’m taking you to urgent care.”
“Oh, relax,” I say. “It’s completely fine. I occasionally get migraines. They just might happen more since the accident but…”
Marcus walks over and bends so he’s looking me right in the eye.
“Zadie, I don’t care if you never dream again,” Marcus says, no hint of levity in his voice or expression, “but I’m not going to stand by and watch while you mess with your brain.”
I give an incredulous laugh, because this is all a little too much now. “Marcus, I’m fine. Worry about your own brain.”
I don’t know what I’m expecting, but it does not involve Marcus rubbing the back of his neck and saying, “The night Jay broke up with you, I felt so…powerless. Like there was nothing I could do to make things better. To make sure…everyone was going to be okay.”
I frown. “Because of the accident?”
“Uh, yeah,” he says. “Because of that. It happened again the day you were sick. And I know you don’t wantmyhelp. I get it. Jason is your person.”
The words jolt my chest awake.
I haven’t thought about Jason the last five minutes, and I’ve thought about Jason every hour every day since we started dating.
Does that mean he’s not my person anymore?
No. No, I’m not having this conversation with myself. I banish the thought before it takes root. I’m supposed to be fixing the breakup, not asking questions, creating doubts.
Marcus is still talking. “…and so if there’s a way I can think of to help, I want to.”
It’s like these two versions of him keep shape-shifting into one another, contradicting one another.
Nobody hides their true self better than Marcus Riddick, and Ijust don’t get why. Why be this half-hearted, careless guy who laughs everything off, when he could be thoughtful, sincere Marcus?
I open my mouth to ask just that, to reprimand him and bring up everything I’ve been thinking the last year, but he’s already speaking.
“Do you need me to beg? Because I’ll do it,” he says.
