“How did…I thought we…you know what? Never mind.” I can’t pretend to understand dream logic, so I’m already squeezing through the rows of the stand and heading down the stairs as Principal Collins calls the room to attention.
“All right, all right! Thank you, Sterlingwood Silvers,” she says.
“I can’t believe it’s happening again!” I whisper to Marcus, overjoyed, as we wiggle through the stands. I’m going to get another chance to see Jason.
Not a single person pays any attention to us as we skip down the stairs to the floor of the gymnasium. Just like last time, it doesn’t seem like anyone can see us.
“Jason and Zadie are over there somewhere!” I tell Marcus excitedly as we approach the lowest bench. I know exactly when this memory is from.
“Are they,” Marcus says, voice flat, but he follows me, anyway.
Jason’s height makes him easy to spot in a room full of seated people. And my heart leaps as soon as I see him. His neat brown hair, his easy smile. His presence is as vibrant as the sun. Speaking of owning the entire room, there is no logical reason why the most popular guy on the soccer team should be settling next to chronic overachiever Zadie Cartwright during a mid-October pep rally, but that is exactly what he’s doing. Marcus and I stand off to the side, where we have a good view of Jason and Other Zadie. Next to me, Marcus folds his arms across his chest. It occurs to me that this would have been Marcus’s first pep rally here, but I don’t think he actually attended.
As he sits, Jason casually greets the Other Zadie with a shoulder nudge, and she gives him a subtle smile. He gives her another nudge, more obvious this time, and she shifts away from him, trying to look stern.
“They’re keeping things on the DL. Only our friends—my friends and Jason’s friends—know we’re dating because I wasn’t ready to tell everyone,” I explain to Marcus. The night before this pep rally, Jason had sent Zadie a text with the wordsI think it’s time for our hard launch
Zadie had written back:Ok don’t hate me, but I need a minute.
Jason:Like a 60 second minute or…?
Zadie:Like a week or two minute
Jason:Because of your dad?
Zadie:Because of everything.
And there really were a bunch of things bothering me: Dad had died less than two months before. I still had moments of bursting into tears for tiny things like hearing a song he’d introduced me to or someone quoting a movie he loved or simply because it was early evening, the time that we used to talk on the phone almost every night since I was thirteen. Sometimes, there was no reason. But most of all, I wanted to be sure the relationship was right. Not something I’d regret or feel ashamed of. Not one of those typical high school relationships with the screaming matches and empty promises.
I wanted to make sure we were good together.
“As much as I wanted to be with Jason, I needed to wrap my head around it. I wanted us to figure out what being together meant before we were everywhere.” I suddenly notice Marcus is rigid beside me. And that he actually hasn’t answered anything I’vesaid in the last couple of minutes. I look over at him, and he is wearing something akin to a scowl, face focused ahead as he watches Zadie and Jason pretend they aren’t newly dating.
“Are you okay?” I ask Marcus, tentative.
I can’t believe I actually care, but I think…I think Marcus is mad at me.
“Is this because of the bonfire?” I say when he doesn’t respond. “You’re punishing me?”
“I’m not punishing you, Zadie,” he says, still staring straight ahead. At exactly that moment, Principal Collins starts reading a long list of announcements, each of them more boring than the last.Clean up after yourself on the quad.No vaping on school grounds.Actually, no vaping at all, anywhere, unless you want to die.She tells a string of bad jokes, hands out insanely large bouquets of blue flowers to two teachers going on maternity leave.
“But the dreams aren’t a thing, right?” Marcus continues in a whisper, as if he’s trying not to interrupt Principal Collins. As if we’re even capable of interrupting. “Isn’t that what we’re pretending?”
“I could have not been pretending,” I point out. “What if I just didn’t remember the dreams in real life?”
“Co-dreaming,” he says, while the pep rally continues in the background.
I frown. “Huh?”
“You saidco-dreaming. At the bonfire. We only ever mentioned that in the dream.”
Shit.
“I’m sorry, okay?” I say, contrite. “Yes, I shouldn’t have pretended not to understand what you were talking about. I just…Idon’t know what this whole thing is any more than you do. All I know is it sounds shady as hell to say I’ve been dreaming about my boyfriend’s cousin.”
“Ex-boyfriend,” Marcus says after a beat. “And, of course, what everyone thought would be your top concern.”
“Caring what people think is not a bad thing, Marcus.Caringis a normal human emotion,” I say, unconcerned about coming off preachy. “People care about other people. They care about their grades. They care about their sport.” It’s a jab specifically aimed at what Amber told us last night, about Marcus half-assing practices and missing his chance to start a game, to play Jason’s position.
