“So are you going to go for it for real?”
“I dinnae think she wants to. Look at the men she dates. Pretty boys like Nando Herrera and that twat Joe Lancaster.”
Sadie told me all about Joe; I can confirm that he isverypretty. “Okay fine, but she’s also into you and you have everything they have,plusyou don’t look like a boring plastic Ken doll.”
He mumbles something again.
“Bashie, if you like her, why don’t you ask her out for real?”
Before he can answer, Lachlan calls out, “Bash, Spurs just scored!”
Bashie looks at me like a child asking permission to go out and play and I roll my eyes. “Yes, fine, go watch. I’ll finish up here.”
By way of thanks, he flicks a bit of soapy water at me, then sprints over to the TV to catch the replay. But I’m not done with him. Sure, my own love life might be beyond resuscitation, but I’ll be damned if that’s going to stop me from trying to save someone else’s.
Chapter Fourteen
One Saturday morning in September,I wake to a strange, rhythmic thumping, and it takes me a minute of blinking in the gray morning light to realize it’s my flatmate Fiona and her boyfriend Oliver engaged in some vigorous early morning sex. A weariness creeps over me, borne upon the back of a flood of memories. For all his faults, Steven was pretty great in bed. Maybe that explains why he was able to cheat on me so consistently over the years; it would have been a shame to keep that talent out of the dating pool, you know. And I don’t miss him, I really don’t. I don’t even hate him—we’re long past me feeling any such strong emotion. But I resent the effect he still has on my life, my mood, my sense of self, despite how hard I’ve been working to leave him fully behind me. I resent that what should be a slightly annoying but mostly humorous experience of waking up to my flatmate going to town on her boyfriend has instead immediately ruined my day because of all the shit it’s dredged up.
Whenever I give Steven an inch in my mind, he takes a mile. He wedges himself in there, dragging along a truckload of anxieties like an overworked UPS guy at Christmas: A general, gnawing sorrow at remembering that I was supposed to have a dress fitting today. A tiny stress bomb as I remember the lengthy emailcorrespondence with our florist about getting my money back. And a terrifying, nauseating fear at the thought that maybe Steven was it, maybe he was my only shot and I’m doomed to a life of listening to other people have sex, celebrating other people having babies, watching from the sidelines as other people fall in love.
Then Oliver’s muffled climax comes through the thin plaster of our walls and I want to scream as well.
Instead, I reach for my phone. It’s too early to call Josh or my family. Amina and Faizan are visiting his parents in Birmingham. Sadie and Phil aren’t “weekend friends” yet. But this is silly: There’s really only one person I want to talk to right now. I wonder if texting Lachlan at eight-thirty in the morning reeks of desperation, but then I see I have nine new messages—all from him.
6:47 am: Ok so i know this is an extreme 1st world problem but the blackout shades in my bedroom are broken and i had to rise with the sun this morning like some kind of mediaeval serf. Send help. Or at least don’t grass on me to my liege.
6:48 am: Are you the kind of American who is good at making pancakes? Like flip them in the air and stuff? Will you come make me pancakes?
6:51 am: Ive had further thoughts on scran: i don’t want pancakes, i want a kebab. Not asking you to make one, because i’m assuming you don’t have access to a giant rotating meat spear at seven am…just needed to tell someone
6:52 am: Please insert a “giant rotating meat spear” sexual joke here
7:00 am: Why aren’t you awake yet? Do your blackout shades work? You won’t believe me but I’m shouting at you right now so you will telepathically wake up
7:01 am: ABBYYYYYYYY AAAAAAABBBBBBBBBYYYYY which way do you prefer? I like the one with lots of Ys—makes me sound more pathetic
7:08 am: I wonder if i could make an omelet out of kebab ingredients? Internet suggests yes. Get off your giant rotating meat spear and come have breakfast
7:15 am: Ok macca i have accepted that you aren’t just sitting there watching these texts roll in and laughing at me, so give me a bell when you wake up. If I don’t answer search all the kebab shops in the greater liverpool area x
7:52 am: ABBYYYYYYYY
I read each one in his accent, that warm and lilting Scottish burr that manages to come across as wholesome and dirty at the same time. I can hear his little exclamations, the “ochs” and “ayes” and “wees”—the ones he insists he doesn’t say because they make him sound like a walking stereotype, but thatnevertheless punctuate his life, and now, by extension, mine. Each text brightens my mood considerably, shoving away all thoughts of Steven and wedding un-planning and Fiona’s sex life and my lack thereof. By the end, I’m laughing out loud and there’s a happy pressure in my heart as it swells closer to the size it used to be. The laughter is still on my lips when I dial his number; he picks up on the second ring. “Finally. I was worried you had turned me in to the Ministry of Inappropriate Breakfast Cravings.”
“I’d be more worried about the punishment you’re going to get from your liege. He says you still owe him seventy acres of barley.”
“Fuck that guy. Up with the peasants! The revolution starts here!”
“Says the man complaining about the broken blackout shades in his penthouse.”
He laughs. “Touché. What are you doing? Ma’s gone back up to Oban so I’m all alone. Do you want to come over and eat pancakes and/or a kebab? Don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m craving them.”
“Well, you’ve got me all hot and bothered with that talk of meat spears, plus I woke this morning to the sound of my roommate boning her boyfriend, so you might need to give me some time to take a cold shower first.”
“Or just hop into Fiona’s room and join in.” I can’t see his face, but I know exactly what he’ll be doing with his eyebrows.
“I heard some screams that pretty conclusively signaled the end of regulation, but I’ll consider it if they go into extra time.”
