Benny lets out a disbelieving laugh, and I glance over to see him shaking his head. “You know that’s bullshit, right?”
I swallow, watching our feet hitting the dirt, step by step.“Absolutely—now.Back then it was confusing, and I wasn’t sure what to think, but more than anything, I was tired of feeling so bad. I was too stressed about what I’d do wrong next, when the switch would flip and he’d be upset with me. So I ended it.”
“Hell yeah, you did,” Benny nearly yells.
I chuckle, swatting his arm as another pair of hikers passes us and waves.
“So, he didn’t much like that. He got angry, and he told everyone who would listen that I was the worst thing a girl at our school could be—a slut. Not in so many words, Nice Guy that he was, but the prevailing story became that I’d wanted to move faster than he did—which is laughable—and was trying to pressure him into sex. And ever so nobly, he’d dumped me. It was clearly ridiculous if you knew anything about me, but he had just about everybody whose opinion mattered in his pocket, even a good few who I’d thought were my friends. I was a skanky freshman who didn’t know how lucky I was to be with John in the first place and was only after one thing. I got attacked so much online that when deleting comments and blocking people wasn’t enough, I left social media completely.”
I pause to catch my breath, more winded from the story than from our walk, or so I’d like to think. Benny stops beside me, resting one hand on his hip and running the other over the top of his cap. He looks distraught. I decide that’s preferable to looking, I don’t know, disgusted by my presence?
“God, Reese, I can’t believe…That’s terrible. Jeez. I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head between breaths. “Yeah, it wasn’t much fun.”
“Were Natalie and Clara around for all this? What did they think?”
“Oh, completely. They were lifesavers.” I exhale and start walking again. “It was the worst time in my life so far, but they stuck beside me. I quit marching band, I stopped going to parties and school functions. I felt awful about myself, and still confused, but also mad as hell. Because I learned through all of it that as a girl, I couldn’t win. He walked away smelling like a rose. I didn’t sleep with him, or even try to, but I was still labeled a tramp. If he’d wanted to go all the way and I hadn’t, though, I would’ve been a prude. You’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
“It’s why I’m so weird about being online and looking professional in front of our coworkers. There’s a constant meter in my head going, ‘How is this gonna look to everyone? What factors are working against me today? How can I give myself the best odds of being treated as fairly as a guy would be?’ And it is seriously exhausting. I can make myself as likable as possible, and it’s still never going to satisfy everyone.”
The trail dips lower and flattens out. I hear waves crashing quietly and know we’re getting close to the shore. One of my shoelaces has come untied, so I take a few steps to the side to fix it. Benny stops alongside me.
“Part of the reason I love Katherine’s blog, let alone FoF, so much,” I say from my crouch, “is that Nat and Clara introducedme to both when I was going through all that. And it was like, wow, the world is so much bigger than my small town. And here’s a woman who doesn’t take shit from anybody and commands respect and is living her dream. I think that’s when the dream of coming out here and doing this job—even though I didn’t know about the internship at the time—started to take shape in my head. So, four years later…here I am.”
I straighten back up and let out a long breath, then bring my hands to my nervous stomach, then back up to rub my eyes, which have miraculously refrained from leaking. Probably, I’ve been sweating out any potential tears. After a few moments of tense silence, I hazard a look at Benny.
For the first time since I’ve known him, he looks sincerely angry. His brow is furrowed, his mouth set in a hard line, and he’s glaring into the trees around us as if he doesn’t want me to see the ferocity in his eyes.
“Sorry,” I say instinctively. “I know that was a lot. I just—”
“Hey,” he cuts in almost sternly, his gaze darting to me and instantly softening. “I feel like after all that, the last thing you should say is sorry. All right?”
I nod and now I’m the one who has to look away, the pinpricks at the backs of my eyes signaling that I might not have sweated out all the tears yet. Benny has somehow found something to say that feels like just what I needed to hear.
I feel him step closer, not quite touching me, but his arm is hovering as if he wants to wrap it around me. “If anything, I feellike apologizing. That’s so— God, I hate it for you.” He pauses, giving me a hesitant look. “Was that…I mean, have you dated anyone since him?”
I shake my head and Benny sighs.
“ ‘Good’ doesn’t feel like the right thing for me to say exactly, because I hate that he’s your only relationship experience. But good that no one else has hurt you like that. Guys are so full ofshit.”
I look at him with watery eyes. “You’re not shitty, though.”
A smile starts at the edges of his lips. “Aw, Reese’s Cup. That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
I laugh then, letting a couple of tears spill onto my cheeks. Benny’s face gets serious again as he brings his free hand up to wipe the tears away, then leaves it resting against my jaw.
“Seriously, Reese. I’m so sorry that happened and that you continue to deal with it. I wish I could take it all away and make the world an easier place for you by the sheer force of how pissed off I am at everyone who hurt you.”
I blink in surprise, but I know what he’s feeling. And it is so very validating to have another person see my side after all this time. Not just any person, either—this boy who I like a whole, whole lot.
“Thank you, Benny,” I whisper as I pull back. “For trying to understand. It means everything.”
One side of his mouth pulls up in a sweet smile, his eyes filled with affection. “Thanks for trusting me enough to share. Andhey, I think we’ve about made it to a good view. Wanna go see what’s out there?”
He points in the direction of a flat path, and I nod in agreement. It takes us only a couple dozen steps before we break through a patch of trees and step onto a long, rocky shoreline.
Benny is a few feet ahead of me with his arms raised, his fingers laced together and resting on the back of his head. The wind off the water hits me hard, drying any remaining moisture on my face and leaving me feeling refreshed. I walk up beside him and put my own hands on my hips to take it all in. The waters of Puget Sound lap at the shore before us, and beyond them is a stretch of gorgeous mountains. The sun is still rising in a perfectly clear sky, casting everything in a golden glow. The only sounds are the gentle waves and my breaths mixed with Benny’s, both of which are starting to slow down again.
