“Honey, no, that’s not what I was saying…” Willow says.
“Though that’s a valid concern too,” Emma says.
“Let me finish, please!” Willow announces. “I’m asking because going back on the show puts you back out in front of the world again. It’s vulnerable. It’s hard. You loved it—or you thought you did—but in the end, it chewed you up. Even with all the great fans you earned and the amazing experiences you had. Is it possible that you’re just going back because you think it’s what youshoulddo, and not what you actually want?”
I let out what can only be described as a pathetic, reverberating groan. “Why is everyone asking me what I want?”
“Because that’s what matters, Nik,” Sybil says quietly. Then she clears her throat. “I’ve actually been wondering too. I mean… is it possible you don’t really want to come back to LA in the first place?”
“Of course I do!” I practically scream, though even as I say it, confusion swells in me.DoI? I think about how it feels to be held out there in the center of the lake, just floating. How it feels to be back at the old house—even camping out in a stupid storage room and having to share my family with a stranger I don’t totally trust. Even still, it’s been magical. But I keep telling myself that’s just the specialness of this place—I always get that wistful little voice in my head wishing I didn’t have to leave. That’s normal. That’s not asignof anything. I have a life to get back to.
“Well, it’s just that you haven’t responded to the apartment link I sent you,” Sybil says.
“I’ve been busy…” I trail off. Busy falling for Nate. Busy rediscovering the slower life.
“And I know you, Nikki,” Sybil says. “I know that apartment is the exact kind of place you’d love and would totally jump on…ifyou were planning to come back to LA.”
“Look, we only want whatever makes you happy,” Willow says.
“Yeah, exactly. I mean I’ll kill you if you don’t come back, but I love you and want you to choose whatever makes you happy,” Sybil says, and I let out a small laugh.
Then I sigh. “I guess I just need to figure out what that is.”
“You will,” Emma says confidently.
“And if you need me to fly back to the States and kick someone’s ass, just say the word,” Willow adds.
I smile. “Thanks, guys. You know I love you all.”
They blow me a bunch of kisses, and I hang up regretfully, wishing we were all four together. I always feel stronger when I’m with them.
I stare at the phone in my hand, realizing I got another missed call while I was talking to them.
It’s from Sloane.Shit.
Surely she’s seen all this bad press too. I wonder if they’re going to rescind the offer. With an uncertain sigh, I call her back.
Sloane picks up on the first ring. “Nikki. Is it true? All this stuff about Cara? Did she go after your brother?”
The Nikki of nine days ago would’ve taken the bait. She would have been the first to vilify Cara, but not anymore.
I take a preparatory breath. Then: “Oh, it’s nothing like that!” I say, keeping my voice light. Years’ worth of media training kicks in. This time, I don’t have a script from someone else, but I know what I need to say to defuse this bomb. “The whole family loves her.”
“Even you?” Sloane asks skeptically.
“Mm-hmm,” I say. “She and my brother are perfect for each other. They’re so happy together.” I’m surprised to find myself willing my words to still be true. Cara looked really upset when she passed me on the stairs earlier…
“I’m so glad everyone’s getting along.” Sloane doesn’t bother to hide her own surprise. She pivots, that sly tone sneaking into her voice again. “Anything cooking inyourlove life? I heard Cara’s brother has been staying with you all week…”
Oh god. My stomach sinks even further. She’s probably asking because she saw the picture of the two of us at the bar…
“Nate? Oh, that’s nothing, don’t worry.” Here it comes: She either thinks I’m too scandal-ridden now for the show or that I’m too compromised, because it looks like I’m dating someone already. Like I could end up playing this whole thing just like Aaron did.
“Really?” Sloane prompts.
“Yes, really,” I say. It’s not a total lie. It wasn’t nothing before… but it’s most certainly nothing now.
Then adds, “Okay… Because he’s totally your type.”
