But the words froze on my tongue, and I felt my imaginary high wire snap along with the stomach-dropping realization that there was nothing to keep me from slamming into the ground.
Because there, at the top of the lift, wearing skintight blackski pants and a silver puffy coat, skiing over to plant a kiss on Finn’s lips—was Pilar. Beautiful, effortless, and very clearlynothis ex.
“DO YOU WANT TOtalk about it?” Nikki asked me carefully from the bathroom as she swiped mascara onto her lashes.
“No.”
On the mountain earlier that day, I had sent Finn a look of utter shock and disgust, then strapped on my skis and flown down the first trail I could find—which happened to be a black diamond. Somehow, I’d managed to make it down safely. Too upset by what I’d just seen to worry about dying, I was fueled down the steep hill by a surge of hurt, anger, and adrenaline. Feelings that were still coursing through my system now, hours later.
I jerked my dress off its hanger and yanked it over my head. Last spring at an estate sale in the West Village, I’d found a bolt of the fabric tucked into the back of a closet. It was a ruby-red brocade that made my skin look soft and milky instead of translucent and ghostly. In exchange for helping my friend Kendall, an FIT grad, redesign her studio apartment, she’d offered to make me something bespoke, and I knew I wanted to do something with that fabric. I waffled between a jumpsuit and a dress, and finally decided on a gown. At the time, it’d been a totally frivolous request, pure luxury, but so much of my life seemed to involve barely scraping by, I couldn’t resist the indulgence. The dress with its deep V-neck and voluminous flounced skirt had hung in my closet for months. As soonas I found out Finn was going to be at Katie’s wedding, I knew this was the occasion to wear it. Unlike my dress for prom, this one was literally made for me. Pulling out my pair of pumps, I stomped my feet into them and then shrugged on a white fox fur coat that I’d inherited from my grandmother.
Nikki walked into the room, giving me a once-over while she finished putting on her earrings. “You look gorgeous, Em.”
“Thanks. You do, too, babe.” And she did, in an elegant ice-blue dress with a plunging neckline. I inhaled deeply and blew out a gust of air. “Let’s get this over with.”
Walking into the hotel lobby, I spotted Finn among the crowd, and for half a second, my rage gave way to longing. I suddenly realized I’d never seen him in a suit before. For a moment I was glad he didn’t take me to prom all those years ago, because grown-up Finn filled out his formal wear far better than teenage Finn ever could. But then my brain processed the full image—this suit-clad Finn had a beautiful brunette on his arm.Pilar.
“She’s here,” I said, pulling Nikki away from the warmth of the lobby toward the patio where the outdoor ceremony would take place. We grabbed fleece blankets from the baskets set up on either side of the aisle and took our seats, huddling beneath the blankets.
“Are you sure it’s her?” Nikki asked for the third time since I’d told her what happened.
I nodded once, not trusting myself to speak. Pressure built behind my eyes, but I forced it down. After that night on the rooftop, I had managed to get the girl’s full name out of Sybil and did some serious cyberstalking. Pilar Riva: twenty-four, from LA. Worked in tech, like Finn. She was building her ownstart-up focused on bringing fresh drinking water to high-need areas around the world. “She’s like a Californian Amal Clooney,” I had groaned to Nikki over the phone back in September when I first unearthed Pilar’s Instagram. Of course, back then, her perfection had only beenslightlyjealousy inducing. Because Finn had made it clear that he and Pilar weren’t going to last as a couple. They wanted different things. Isn’t that what he had said?
Now, I looked over my shoulder through the hotel ballroom’s floor-to-ceiling windows, toward the crowd of guests still inside who weren’t desperate enough to hide out in the cold. Nikki craned her neck to get a better view. “Don’t look,” I managed softly. Nikki heard the croak in my voice and looped her arm through mine.
“You have to explain this to me again. I thought they broke up.” Nikki had been Team Finn for years and couldn’t believe that he had strung me along.
“I did too.” I took a deep breath and blinked rapidly. I was not going to cry over Finn Hughes. Nikki reached over and rubbed small circles on the back of my neck.
I mentally ran through our texts, trying to remember if Finn had actually typed the words “I broke up with Pilar,” but I couldn’t picture them. I had texted him immediately after breaking up with Preston. His response had been quick:I’d say I’m sorry, but my mom taught me never to lie. But even though it had seemed implied throughout our many text exchanges, I was suddenly realizing that Finn had never explicitly said that things were over between him and Pilar. Even still, his showing up here with her felt like a betrayal.
And deep down, it hit me that he must haveknownI’d beupset—otherwise he could have just told me the truth. Maybe that’s what stung the most; not that I’d been foolish and wrong about what was going on between us, but that Ihadn’tbeen. He may not have made a single promise, but the flirting, and the implications, and the closeness we’d developed over these past months… that was allreal.And he obviously knew it, too, knew I had real feelings for him, or he wouldn’t have felt the need to avoid ever saying her name to me.
More and more guests began to filter out to the ceremony site, but luckily, Finn wasn’t yet among them. I took in the scenery. When the invitation came, I had been dubious about a winter wedding in such a cold climate, but it really was beautiful. Mountains scraped against a lavender sky that was giving way to a soft tangerine as the sun set. The air was crisp, but I was warm cuddled up next to Nikki in my fur coat and with the fleece blanket draped across my lap. Then, I felt Nikki’s frame tense beside me.
“They’re outside now,” she whispered. My spine stiffened, but I refused to turn around. “They’re sitting on the other side.” Nikki continued to give me the play-by-play while I kept my eyes trained on the silvery-white floral arrangements that lined the aisle. “Her dress has cutouts.” Nikki looked at me meaningfully, “Who wears cutouts to a wedding? In December. On amountain. She’s obviously a monster.”
But Pilar wasnota monster. I snuck a look out of the corner of my eye. She was gorgeous. Tall and willowy. Glowing warm brown skin, long black hair swooped down her back. Even in the bulky winter coat she wore over her gown, she managed to look chic. She was nearly as tall as Finn. With six-inch heels, I’d still be half a foot shorter than he was. Maybe he wantedto be with someone who he wouldn’t have to develop a hunchback to kiss, I thought bitterly. My mind flashed to the rooftop when Finn had scooped me up and kissed me, and how, at the time, our height discrepancy had made me feel delicate, easily protected by Finn’s strong arms. I squashed down the memory.
Nikki’s phone lit up. “Willow and Sybil said they’re here.”
I turned to look for them, but it was Finn who caught my gaze. He gave me a half-hearted wave. I crossed my arms over my chest and pulled my jacket more tightly around me.
The service was short and sweet. Katie looked beautiful in a scoop neck A-line dress in ivory moiré silk and a white fur stole, her chestnut hair twisted into a bun at the nape of her neck. As she stood beside the man she loved, her veil fluttered behind her. I teared up during the vows just like I always did at weddings, but this time the familiar reciting of 1 Corinthians 13:4 hit extra hard.Love is patient. Love is kind.I wanted to believe it was true, but my entire life experience seemed to negate the sentiment. I had been patient for the past three months, not pressuring Finn to define our relationship, even after everything that had happened between us. And all along, he was in love with someone else.
KATIE’S RECEPTION WAS HELDin one of the hotel’s ballrooms, which had been transformed into a winter wonderland, complete with birch branch centerpieces, white roses, and a giant snowflake-shaped ice sculpture. A quick glance at the seating cards revealed that FINNHUGHES +1had been assignedtable twelve, while I was with the girls over at table four—thankfully, at the opposite end of the hall. I just needed to avoid Finn for the next few hours, and then I could return to New York City and put this whole embarrassing ordeal behind me. During dinner, I tried to enjoy my friends’ company, but Sybil and Sebastian were all over each other, and Willow spent most of the night texting her long-distance boyfriend. Even Nikki was flirting shamelessly with some buddy of the groom’s who had ended up at our table. I felt like a poster child for pathetic singledom. I listlessly chewed my preselected beef tenderloin and zoned out during the speeches. Then, at the first few notes of Tim McGraw’s “My Little Girl,” I bolted from the table. One thing was for sure: I was in no emotional state to sit and watch a father-daughter dance.
I wandered over to the bar on the edge of the ballroom and asked for a glass of white wine. While I waited for my drink, Katie and Mr. Dalton’s dance wrapped up, and the bandleader invited everyone else to take the floor. Suddenly, there was a piercing screech of feedback. I pressed my fingers to my ears while the band members traded glances, looking for the source of the sound.
“Timothy!” A woman’s voice cut through the noise to my left, and I turned to see a mother grab the extra microphone that had been used for speeches out of her five-year-old son’s hands. I hadn’t even noticed him, sitting on the floor, half under the banquet tablecloth covering the bar.
“Mooooom, I wanna go home. Weddings are stupid.”
I’m with you, kid.
The mother hoisted the little boy onto her hip, trying to shush his whining. Then, she turned to me, pressing themicrophone into my hand. “Sorry, he’s way past his bedtime. Can you figure out what to do with this?”
I stood there, glass of wine in one hand, microphone in the other, like I was about to perform some boozy cabaret number, when all of a sudden, I spotted Finn heading toward me. I looked to my right and left, but the only escape was the swinging doors behind the bar leading to the kitchen. I darted through them, the first few notes of “Proud Mary” spilling in after me, and heaved a sigh of relief.
