“But I’ve changed. Only you can’t see that because you—”
This time Finn cuts himself off.
“I what?” I demand.
“Forget it.”
A wave of boldness holds me to the spot. “Come on. Tell me what you really think.”
He shifts slightly so he’s facing me, his hand on my knee now. “What I really think is that you don’tletyourself trust me; you don’t trust most people, in fact. You’re afraid of anything—or anyone—that you can’t control.”
His words make me want to cry, but I refuse to let him see that. “Screw you, Finn.” The words don’t come out as venomous as I want them to—more just deflated.
“Am I wrong, then?”
I wish I could say he was. But what I’m feeling now? The mix of desire and confusion and… dread? He’s right on the money. I’m terrified to let myself fall.
In the silence, he inches slightly closer to me, pulling my knees toward his lap. “I’m sorry, Emma, but you don’t get to control me. That’s not on offer.”
There’s something so sure, so powerful and confident in him, it takes my breath away. “I never said that’s what I wanted,” I protest, pushing the blanket off me, unsure whether to be angry or pleading.
My face is mere inches from his now as he asks, “So whatdoyou want, then, Emma?”
The words are too hard to say, and so I don’t say it, I show him instead. I lean forward, slowly, until our lips touch. There’s no hesitation from Finn. He returns my kiss hungrily, opening my mouth with his tongue. Kissing him feels so good, I let the knot that had been forming inside me begin to unravel. He pulls me gently onto his lap. My legs are on either side of him. The hammock sways, driving my hips into his, and he lets out a soft groan. In this moment, the truth overpowers me, how much I want this, to be this close to him—out here in the middle of nowhere, where we could be the only two people on earth.
His hands reach for the hem of my sweatshirt; I help him lift it over my head, along with my T-shirt, both tossed to the ground in seconds.
I remember the last time I was bared to Finn like this. The mild crispness of a September night cut through with the heat of his breath against my skin, the lights of the city sparkling around us. Now it’s cool mountain air and the sparkling of stars, but the heat is the same. And it’s the same flicker of hope sparking in my chest that flares to life again. The intensity that I’ve spent the last two years trying to find with other guys, but never did.
Finn’s words about Sybil and Liam echo through my mind.Maybe she just needs some closure.
Is that what I need too? But it doesn’t feel like closure, it feels like another new beginning.
Through ragged breaths he says, “If you want to stop, just tell me. I’ll stop. We’ll stop.”
“Do not stop.” It comes out as more of an order than I mean it to.
He smiles against my mouth. “Yes, ma’am.” And with that, he rolls me onto my back, switching our positions, and he’s on top of me, kissing me, moving his mouth down the length of my body. He gets off the hammock and kneels on the ground, sliding me to the edge, slipping my shorts off. My breath hitches at the sight of Finn on his knees in front of me, and I lean back into the hammock. Slowly, he kisses one knee and then the other.
“Emma.” I feel his lips now grazing along my inner thigh, and I nearly unravel in that moment. “Let me be the one in control this time,” he whispers.
He drags his tongue along my skin, my thighs trembling, as he’s kissing and licking, up, up, until I can hardly breathe, feeling like I’m coming undone at the seams.
“Can you let me take charge?”
“Yes.”
My underwear is gone in seconds, strewn somewhere I may never find it.
Just as I feel like I can no longer hold on, he pulls away, and I can’t help reaching for him. I tug at the neck of his shirt until he pulls it off. Bare chested, he grabs my hand and presses a soft kiss against my wrist. His tongue flicks brieflyalong my skin. When he releases me, a breeze blows across the damp spot where he’d pressed his lips, and a shudder racks my body.
“Emma.” He stands, looking down at me. Exposed beneath the full moon, I feel luminous and otherworldly. And the way Finn is looking at me, it’s like he thinks I am those things too. I don’t feel any closer to closure. I just want more of him. All of him.
“Are you sure?” Finn rasps, reaching smoothly for a condom.
I nod, and then gasp as he pulls me back in, against him. A small sound escapes from him too.
“Emma,” he whispers, moving deeper, holding my hips. Totally in control. Even though I’m completely naked, Finn’s body is a furnace against mine, keeping me warm. He cups one of my breasts, and I gasp as his mouth closes around my nipple. His tongue swirls around it, and there’s a soft scrape of teeth. I buck, and the hammock rocks me further into him, forcing him even deeper inside me. He lets out a soft curse, and the puff of air against my damp skin sends a shiver through me.
