Yeah. This is a terrible idea.
I should want this for her. She deserves to be happy. She deserves someone who shows up, someone who can give her boys what they need. She realizes that too, and while we’ve had a couple of hook-ups since I got back from Edmonton, I’ve barely seen her. And when I do, she stays in the car, engine running.
Obviously she’s avoiding me.
Maybe I don’t blame her.
Lucas presses Marbles into my hands as he reaches for the door, and the second it swings open, a rush of cold air spills inside. The kitten lets out a soft mewl and immediately climbs up, tucking himself into the crook of my neck.
I cradle him without thinking, fingers stroking along his back. “It’s okay, buddy,” I murmur, my voice soft. “I’ve got you.”
For a split second, it hits me—how many times I used to say that to Ben. Late nights, pacing the floor, whispering promises I wasn’t able to keep.
My throat tightens.
Josh watches me, eyebrows raised, a slow grin pulling at his mouth. “What?”
I clear my throat, shifting the kitten like that’ll somehow explain it away. “I thought you weren’t going to snuggle him.”
“He’s cold,” I say, weak even to my own ears.
He snorts, the sound way too knowing for a kid his age. “Are you coming out to say hi to Mom?”
I lift a hand and give a lazy wave toward the door. “Nah. She’s probably in a hurry.” I aim for casual, miss by a mile. “Doesn’t she have that double date tonight?” I scratch my head. “With Declan? The writer you guys like.”
“I never said I liked him,” Josh shoots back, shoulders tightening just enough for me to notice. “I don’t even know him.”
I lean a hip against the wall, folding my arms like I’m not completely unraveling on the inside. “You should give him a chance, Josh. I think he and your mom will have a lot in common.”
“Doubt it.” He mutters it under his breath, then louder, “And besides…he’s not you.”
My heart does this stupid, traitorous flip in my chest. “Your mom and I are friends,” I say, keeping my voice even.
Josh doesn’t argue, instead, he shifts gears. “We can still come over Tuesday night, right? When Mom has classes. You’ll pick us up?”
There it is. The thing that’s becoming the highlight of my week without me even realizing it.
Tuesday nights.
Maria’s at school. The boys are here. The house is loud and messy and alive in a way I love.
“Yeah,” I say, a little too quickly. I clear my throat. “Yeah, I don’t have a game, so that works.”
I glance out the window, at the dark sky rolling in, heavy clouds pressing low like a storm’s coming. Feels about right.
“We can stay overnight?” Josh asks.
“Sure, if you want.”
Jesus.
If I could step outside myself for five seconds, I’d knock my own head straight. Because the truth is, I fucking love it. I love having them here. The noise, the chaos, the way Josh argues about bedtime like it’s a full-contact sport. The way Lucas forgets where he left literally everything. The mornings, even. The rushed breakfasts, the backpacks, the half-zipped jackets.
I want it, but I can’t get used to it. I won’t.
Because for all I know, Maria’s going to fall head over heels for Declan-the-Writer-Who-Probably-Uses-Words-Like-Prose-in-Casual-Conversation, and he’ll have some big house somewhere, and they’ll all just…move on.
Move forward.
