No control.
17
JANE
PLAYLIST: DOWN –JASON WALKER
Iopen my eyes, and it is with the most beautiful sunlight in my face. Next to me lies Amelie. Awake and staring at the ceiling.
She registers that I am awake and turns her head to me.
“Hi,” she says.
It’s what she always says.
“Hi back,” I say.
It’s a routine we now have. A routine in the mess we created.
I roll onto my back.
And now, with the daylight illuminating the room, highlighting all the rules I have broken with her, reality is catching up with me.
I broke the rules.
I thought it would do more with me.
But it doesn’t.
“Are you going to freak?” she asks me, her head propped up on her hand.
“No,” I say automatically, and add on second thought, “Maybe.”
She laughs.
“Just pretend I’m Louise.”
“I don’t want you to be Louise, I like you just the way you are.”
“So you’re saying you like me,” she says, and of course, she has to focus on the one word that slipped from my mouth unwillingly.
I huff as a non-answer.
“Have you been awake for longer?” I ask her to navigate the topic elsewhere.
“A while,” she says.
“Have you trouble sleeping?” I ask and observe her closely.
“A while now, yes,” she says carefully. “I came to New York to figure out who I am, instead—” She pauses. “It’s like you said. I can’t outrun my past.”
She looks away to somewhere above me, and I know it is probably the closest she has allowed me to come.
“In case you ever want to share it, I am a good listener.”
A weak smile tugs at her mouth, and she looks me directly in the eyes.
“I can’t,” she says, leans into me, and places a kiss on my forehead. “We should get back.”
