I should just stay away. Instead, I get even closer. This was meant to be about me, about finding out who I am, and all I do is play another role. A role that brings me close to a woman who has all the tools to know that I am a—a what? A conwoman? A liar? A nobody? A lost soul with no sense of identity but a dark past?
An uncomfortable feeling spreads from my stomach and pulls on me. I need to get rid of it. I don’t want to feel like this.
I get up, take my heavy backpack with all the books I got to read for Jane’s classes, and make my way to the next bathroom.
There, I chop some of the cocaine from El onto a toilet seat lid and don’t do one line, but two. It burns in my nostrils as I let my head fall back. The bitter taste runs down my throat before everything goes numb. Numb like the dreadful feeling in my stomach, replaced by pure elation and invincibility.
I get up, swipe the rest of the coke from the lid, and go check the mirror for any traces of white powder in my nose.
Glancing at my watch, I realize I’m already late for my next course, so I decide to dump lectures today entirely. I walk over the campus and sit on one of the stairs with a distance between me and some other students enjoying the warm day, and while I’d like to get home, I know El will be there, and what I need is some alone time. I need to think.
Or you need to forget everything and party until dawn,says the risk-loving voice pushed by the cocaine in me. I really miss doing all the risky stuff with my father, even though I hate him for taking my teenage years from me. The only thing I miss about him is that somehow, jumping out of a plane, speeding cars over tracks, and climbing unsecured, all that made me feel alive; it defined me.
But was that really you?asks the voice.
Yeah, good question.
And once again, I am back to the question.
WHO AM I?
And just when my mind is about to snap into endless rumbling of who I am, I see Jane walking past the stairs while on the phone. Her body language speaks of tenderness and aversion.
My body gets up on its own accord; I need to know what has her worked her up like that.
I follow her at a distance. She gestures widely, and I want to know more. I want to know what triggers her.
I mean, I could bump into her accidentally?—
A smirk appears on my face because I feel alive the moment I have the idea.
I walk fast around the corner of the grass enclosures, slip my backpack to the front, and pretend to get something out of it asI walk towards the crossing path Jane is on. I time it from the corner of my eye, and then bump into her.
“Oh gods,” I say, as she stumbles and her phone rushes to the ground. “I’m so sorry, I was—I didn’t,” I add intentionally without looking at her, because I bend down to pick up her phone. When I have it, the caller is named “Mom”.
Huh,I think to myself.Interesting.
I pick up the phone and hand it to her, pretend ot be shocked it’s Jane.
“Oh—“ I say, “I’m so sorry!”
Jane is completely taken aback. Instead of grabbing her phone, she takes a step back. She stares at me with her wide eyes, which I have seen before, but this time it is different. I can’t tell what exactly it is, but they mesmerize me. They are green, a dark green, with a hazel rim. It’s a rare color, but it’s not what mesmerizes me. They have this pull toward me.
Nothing happens for a moment, as we just look at each other. Until I remember that I just did two lines of cocaine and avert my eyes immediately.
“Jane, don’t you dare hang up on me, you will do as I say,” shouts a woman through the phone, so loud I can hear it without the speaker on. What a lovely mother.
But Jane is absent. I got her off guard, and she can’t deal with it.
It might have been the contact. She might not be able to deal with touch.
So, I just act by holding the phone to my ear.
“Sorry, Jane can’t talk right now, not in that tone. Respectfully, Ma’am, show your daughter some respect.”
And with that, I hang up.
Jane’s eyes are wild. Something between murderous rage and a complete mess. Her hands brush over her outer thighs,smoothing her perfect outfit that needs no smoothing. She is stimming, regulating.
