My stomach clenches because of it.
I can’t feel this right now.
I can’t?—
I have to do this for El?—
But I can’t move.
I fight with myself.
But I am unable to leave her.
Unable to betray her.
Unable to do it.
I sink to the ground with my back against the door, draw my legs up, and dig my face into them as I hug my legs.
I sit there and cry.
I cry until morning comes and the sunlight illuminates the apartment in a gleeful way.
I am exhausted when Jane moves.
She sits up.
I look up.
She looks at me. Sees my backpack next to me. Sees I’m dressed.
“I couldn’t go,” I say, sobbing with wet cheeks. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave you, and it scares the fuck out of me. It scares me how much I care about you. It scares me how much I love you.”
She smiles.
Takes the blanket.
Warps it around her.
Moves closer.
Sits just close enough so she can place her hand on my arm.
“I know,” she says.
I cry.
She leans against my legs, not saying a word.
She just sits there until my sobs die.
I take a deep breath in.
She sits back up straight.
“Tell me your brother’s name,” she says.
My brain takes a moment to comprehend.
