“Antonio,” he says, and my entire body clenches. “Antonio Amato. Which makes you my sister, half-sister, but still, you are family.”
A brother,says a voice of longing in my head. A voice I silence. It has no place in me anymore. It is the voice of the woman I was. The person I am now stares at the man in front of her like dead inside.
From an objective perspective, my life should fall apart right now. I should be horrified, have another panic attack, but I feel nothing. Just nothing.
“Who was your mother?” I ask.
“Giuseppe’s sister,” he says, and I blow my cheeks, because my mind finally understands how everything is connected.
“How many siblings are there?” I ask.
“Giuseppe, Rosalia and Domenica,” he says. “Domenica, my mother, died in 2002.”
“The year I was born,” I say.
“Yes. She killed herself because she could not stand knowing Antonio had been made to have another child with another woman.”
“Fuck,” I say with my hand in front of my mouth.
She killed herself because I exist,says the voice in my head.
“It was Giuseppe,” I say. “He made him do it, didn’t he?”
“He did,” he says. “My mother could not bear more children.”
“What a piece of shit,” I say as words slip from my mouth.
Salvatore chuckles and says nothing.
This is such a mess. And I somehow managed to land in the middle of it.
“You know,” I say. “A week ago, I was standing in front of the Eiffel Tower, dreaming of a life in London with my best friend, a family, and starting my PhD. Now, I am here, knowing my best friend was a staged actor, after being abducted, tortured, almost killed, with a brother I didn’t know there is, and I was made head of an organisation that generally does not accept women.”
“Life can be quite ungrateful,” he says.
I want to agree. And yet, I don’t. Thinking back to the life I had,there is no way back to it. I can miss it all the way I want, and it will not change the fact that I can never go back.
I am not Sophie anymore. Sophie is someone from the past, someone like an old friend, who vanished the moment I learned my entire life was a lie.
I lost track of Sophie. Nothing connects me to her anymore. Maybe I was never Sophie. Sophie was a version I hid behind to occlude who I really was.
I am Antonella. Antonella Amato. And I am the Capo.
14
ANTONELLA
PLAYLIST: JUDGEMENT DAY – STEALTH
“Here,” says Salvatore as he hands me a pile of books, a phone and a laptop, where I sit at the desk in a study I took over.
Piles of books, old journals, and endless folders are spread over the desk and the room. I am in an information-gathering phase because I won’t have much time until my knowledge and power are challenged.
“It’s all set up, as well as your room, the wardrobe and the salon as you requested. I also organised the Sicilian teacher, she will arrive at four.”
“Thank you,” I say as I take the phone from him.
“You are required for a meeting with the Commissione in two days’ time,” he says. “What happened has come to their attention. They appeared very displeased with the unplanned order of action and not being informed.”
