TEN
KOR
I thoughtViviennelooked tired the next morning.Therewere dark smudges under her lovely gold-ringed eyes that spoke of a sleepless night.Indeed,I’dheard her thrashing around some time around two in the morning—it had woken me up.
I had debated with myself on whetherIought to go to her or not.Ifshe had cried out,Iprobably would have.Butshe hadn’t shouted or cried or made any verbal noises at all.SoIdecided it was better to stay in my own room.Afterall, she’d had years of a man coming into her room to take what she wasn’t willing to give—Ididn’t want to frighten her or give her the wrong impression.
SoIwaited until she was quiet again and finally drifted off to sleep.
Now, as we sat across the kitchen island from each other drinking coffee,Iwondered ifIshould ask her if she was all right.Couldshe be grieving for my late uncle?Fromeverything she’d said,Idoubted it.CarterJamisonsounded like he’d been an abusive bastard.Whowould miss that?
I was wearing the clothingI’dhad on yesterday—of course.I’dalready ordered more but it wouldn’t be here for another day or so.Viviennewas wearing a simple blue dress that made her eyes stand out even more than usual.Herlong dark hair was loose around her shoulders.Shewas,Ithought, even more beautiful than the night before, despite her obvious fatigue.
“So…had any interesting dreams last night?”Isaid, trying to break the ice.
It must have been the wrong thing to say, though, becauseViviennejumped and went pale.
“Sorry—are you okay?”Iasked, immediately worried.
“I…I’mfine.”Buther hand trembled as she tried to lift the coffee mug to her hand—trembled so much that hot coffee splashed out over her hand.“Ow!”she gasped and set the mug down quickly.
I was out of my seat beforeIquite knew what happened.
“Hey, that looks bad.Comeon—let’s run some cold water on it.”
I took her by the arm and guided her to the sink, and she came with me, still shaking.Iturned on the cold water tap and held her hand under it, waiting for the redness to fade from her pale skin.
“There—how does that feel?”Iasked, looking down at her anxiously.“Areyou all right?”
“I’m fine.”Shegave me a strained smile.“Justfine—thank you so much,Kor.”
“Are you really?Youdon’t seem like yourself.Er…not thatIknow you very well yet,Iguess,”Isaid lamely.
But the truth was,Ididfeel likeIknew her.Icould sense that something was bothering her and also, her scent had changed.Thatwarm, feminine fragrance she exuded seemed stronger today—more intense.Ididn’t understand it, but it drew me to her and made me want to comfort her.
“I’m okay,” she protested, but she wouldn’t meet my eyes.“Maybe…maybeI’mjust now dealing with everything that’s happening.Imean,Carteronly died ten days ago and yesterday was the funeral.”
“Of course—how stupid of me.”Iwanted to slap myself on the forehead.“That’sa lot of trauma and it’s probably just now hitting you.”
“Maybe.”Shewas still looking down at her hands—the one that the coffee had burned was under the running water but the other was gripping the edge of the sink so tightly her knuckles were white.
It occurred to me thatIwas still holding her by the arm, andIwas pretty close.Iwas a lot bigger than her, and she’d told me in a round about way last night she had a history of sexual abuse.Ihad a worried thought—wasIscaring her?Wasmy physical proximity bringing up bad feelings and past trauma?
Jennie, the womanIhad dated and almost married, had been sexually abused as a child.Therewere things that seemed innocent that would trigger her—Ihad to learn to avoid them in order to help her feel safe with me.Ididn’t shout or make sudden moves around her because my deep voice could be frightening and she associated quick movements in her direction as violence.
So wasIunknowingly triggeringViviennenow?
“Hey—amIbothering you?”Iasked her directly.Ihad learned, in dealing withJennie, that it was best to be upfront and not beat around the bush.“Imean, amIfrightening you or getting too close?”
I took a step back, letting go of her arm asIspoke.
“What?”Viviennegave me a genuinely startled look.“No—why would you think that?”she asked.
“Oh,Ijust…”Ididn’t want to say out loud that my uncle had abused her—that was for her to speak about if and when she ever felt ready.“Ijust…you barely know me, andIdon’t want to make you feel unsafe,”Isaid.
Her eyes—which had looked haunted only moments ago—suddenly softened.
“You’re so sweet, thank you,Kor.Ijust had a rough night last night, that’s all.Iactually feelbetterwhen you’re close.If…if that makes any sense.”
