That wasn’t our pattern. I sat beside him anyway.
“Luka.” He turned toward me. “Talk to me.”
I looked away.
“I know something’s wrong.”
For a moment I said nothing.
I was tired of measuring every word before I spoke it. Tired of calculating consequences before they existed.
Dean waited. He was good at that.
I drew a breath.
“Do you ever feel as if you’re representing more than yourself?”
Dean
I blinked.“You mean… the country thing?”
Luka nodded.
I shrugged. “I guess. There’s pressure, sure. Sponsors. Expectations. But at the end of the day, it’s still my skating.” It felt like an odd conversation to be having after what we’d just done. But I was getting to know Luka well enough to realize nothing was ever random with him.
Luka gave a faint smile. “That must be nice.”
Something in his tone made me straighten. “What does that mean?”
He sat with his elbows on his knees, staring at his clasped hands.
Twice he started to speak.
Twice he stopped.
That worried me more than anything else.
Luka usually had an answer, even when he didn’t want to give it.
“Luka?”
He didn’t answer immediately. His gaze stayed on his hands, his breathing off enough that I noticed it.
Then he lifted his head. “You need to understand something.”
“Okay.”
Luka held my gaze. “Where I am from, there is no separation between who you are and what you represent.” He drew in a deep breath. “I am not an individual first. I am an athlete of Velkarya. Always.”
My chest grew tight at the factual way he said it.
“They monitor us,” he continued, his voice even, which somehow made it worse. “Not constantly. Not visibly. But enough that you are aware of it at all times.”
I clenched my jaw. “Monitor how?”
Then I recalled our conversation when he’d admitted to watching porn. He’d mentioned not being monitored, and I’d let that slip by me.
“Communications. Travel. Associations.” His eyes didn’t leave mine. “Reputation.” He swallowed. “If something is considered inappropriate, it is addressed. Quietly. Efficiently.”
