I stare at the numbers on the elevator panel as it slowly creeps upwards, wishing it would get to my floor already. “You didn’t. I’m fine, it’s just…a lot. Things have been a lot lately.”
He’s silent for a moment. And then he speaks, and his voice is low and quiet.He’s displeased. How terribly unsurprising.“I understand. I imagine it is a lot. But you will have to get used to things being a lot. This is your life now.”
I wince at the reprimand. “Yes, I know. I’m working on it.” It comes out sharper than I intended, but my capacity for expressing myself appropriately has been far surpassed.
He grunts in response and I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes. He clearly doesn’t understand me, just like everyone else. But the difference is, he’s going to be myhusband.At least with other people, I can walk away and retreat to the people thatdounderstand me, usually fellow neurodivergents, like my best friend Lily.
“This world is your world now, whether you like it or not.” His gruff voice only serves to further my annoyance. Yes, he’s handsome. But right now, all I hear iswah-wah you’re not measuring up, wah-wah you better start working on that, wah-wah I’m a scary devil man, little girl, you better listen to me.It’s like the teacher from Charlie Brown meets a nagging spouse. And we aren’t even married yet.
Okay, I have to admit that I’m not usually so easily annoyed or beat down, but when I’m overstimulated like I am now, it’s much easier to feel run over. All I want to do is turn to him and give him a piece of my mind, or start crying hysterically, or run away from him. My mind is a mess of a triggered nervous system and different trauma responses. Fight, flight, and freeze. And it can’t make up its mind, ironically since itismy mind, so I’m just paralyzed and shaking. I’m not sure my nervous system can take any more of this. The stress from my family and the isolation, the death threats, the thought of being trapped with a man like Kerry Alasdair for the rest of my life and the risks that come with that. It’s a complete and total abandonment of my dreams and yearning for peace.
I hide my trembling hands in the sleeves of the cardigan, turning my head to the side to conceal the tears stinging my eyes, but I refuse to let them overflow.Just a few more seconds, then I can be in my room and freely let them fall.
It feels like my chest is tight, like my heart is going to burst out of it at any moment. It makes breathing difficult.
Kerry is quiet for another moment before he speaks up again. He’s probably waiting for me to respond to him about the wholethis is your new worldthing, but I can’t. Not without snapping at him or breaking down in tears. In reality, it’d probably be both. “I’ll be meeting with your grandfather tonight for dinner. I assume you’ll be there?”
I take in a deep breath, trying to calm myself. Now he’s asked me something directly, so I can’t just ignore him. Ihaveto answer, so I need to steady myself enough to be able to. My mind feels simultaneously too fast and too slow, all at once. It’s a strange feeling.
I clear my throat. “I don’t know, honestly. He hasn’t said anything to me about it.”
I’m not looking at Kerry— I wouldn’t be able to hold eye contact even if I wanted to. But I can tell my answer displeases him. I just can’t seem to appease this man one way or the other. “Hmm. Well, if I don’t see you tonight, then I will tomorrow.”
I’m about to ask him what he means by that when the elevator dings. It’s my floor. I hurry off the elevator in a rush. It’s probably rude, but he already seems determined not to like me. His constant criticism of me makes me sure of it. I’m not sure staying on the elevator and devolving into a blubbering mess would help that anyways.
“Miss Astero?” He calls out, holding the doors open with his hand.
I pause from hurrying away, but I don’t turn around to face him. I can’t, not when my chest is getting tighter and more panicked. “Yes?”
“Try to remain calm about this all. It’ll be better for you if you do. Remain calm, listen to your grandparents, cooperate. Trust me, you’ll want to do that.”
His words, edged with a subtle threat, make me want to rage. To cry. To escape away from him, from this hotel, from my grandparents, from this entire situation. It’s all disgustingly unfair and just so…wrong.
I give him a shaky nod before hurrying down the hall again to my hotel room. I can hear the elevator door close again, continuing up.Of course. Probably has a nice suite on the top floor just like my grandparents.
I want to scream and pull my hair out.Fuck them. Fuck them all.
It takes me a few tries to get my room key to work since my hands are shaking so badly. I hurry in and lock the bolt on the door, collapsing onto the bed as soon as I can. My emotions take over until I can’t breathe.
It takes about twenty minutes for me to calm down, twenty minutes of tears, hyperventilation, shaking, and angry thoughts, mostly towards myself.Why couldn’t I be normal? Why did I have to endure this? It doesn’t even feel like me, but I’m just trapped inside my body as it becomes overloaded.
I’m a positive person. But when these dark moments happen, it’s hard not to fall into a pit of despair, to focus on everything I could’ve done or said better. In moments like these, it’s difficult to remember that there’s valid reasons behind why I’m struggling. Neurodivergence and janky nervous system aside, the fact that I’minvolved with the mafiaand beingforced into an arranged marriage with a mafia lordis a pretty valid reason to be upset and struggling. But in times like these, I don’t remember that.I can’t.My logic melts away and my brain only runs on self-doubt and overwhelming emotions. I vaguely register I’m in an autistic meltdown, but can’t do much about it. All logic goes out the window when this happens.
And the worst thing is? Theysoundlogical.Everything makes sense. It seems practical to blame myself, to feel inadequate, to dismiss my own feelings and invalidate myself.
Once I’m able to function a bit better, I go take a shower. The hot water soothes me and gives me something else to focus on rather than my own hysteria without giving it even more stimulation when it’s clearly had enough.
I decide right then, I’m not leaving my hotel room tomorrow. Kerry might think he’s going to see me, but he isn’t. It’s not hiding if I’m protecting my capacity. Hopefully by the day aftertomorrow, I’ll be recovered, and my grandparents mayactually communicate with meand I can plan. Because right now, things are just being sprung on me left and right, and I’m just supposed to accept them.I hate that.
I drag myself to bed and snuggle under the covers, my hair wrapped in a towel. I turn on the tv, but keep the volume low, putting on my favorite comfort show. I needed some familiarity, something constant and predictable.
Because my life sure as hell wasn’t that right now.
9
Kerry
Solving problems is one of my specialties. A lot of my work is simply that,solving problems.Where the government drops off, we continue. What legal businesses cannot touch, we delve deep into.
