Cruz and Micah had been the perfect distraction to the thoughts that had been plaguing me, but now, as we watched Micah leave the room, I knew it was just a temporary balm to the wound that kept festering.
A wound that started that night at the lake and had only worsened since the party.
Now that the high was gone, and the last tremors of my orgasm had subsided, I was back to the same spot I had been before Cruz and Micah had come.
As if sensing this, Cruz came to lie next to me.
“Your dad is worried about you,” he stated.
That was one of the things I liked about Cruz; he was direct and to the point. His life had been hard, and he didn’t use thatpast as a weapon to make others feel pity for him. He used his past as a fact, but he did his best to move on.
I was having trouble doing the same.
The past had a hold on me that I couldn’t let go of. It haunted my every waking moment, and even in my dreams.
“What did he say?”
I was almost too scared to ask.
“He just noticed that you’re withdrawing… He’s a good dad.” He added that last part softly.
My lower lip trembled.
“He’s the best.”
God.
My chest felt like it was caving in at that moment.
Everything was so messed up. My world started to turn upside down the day I got that first message, but only after the Halloween party did I allow myself to feel—to acknowledge just how much it had changed me.
I opened my mouth, but no words came out. Thinking them was one thing, but to voice aloud the ugly thoughts that had plagued me was another.
Did it make me a monster? Was I any better than the person behind this whole mess?
I could feel Cruz looking at me…waiting for me to break.
“How fucked up am I to be grateful it wasn’t me?” The hoarse words left my mouth before I could filter them.
Someone was dead because of me, and all I could do was feel fucking thankful, because it meant that I wouldn’t hurt my dad.
Livy hadn’t deserved that. In life, her hate for me was petty, but now that she was no longer here, it seemed petty on my behalf to continue to remember silly boy drama.
Cruz’s arms wrapped around me, and I couldn’t help but sob. They were silent at first, like choking on air. I tried desperately to breathe, but the feelings inside of me wouldn’t let me. Thenthe noise pierced my ears. The arms around me became tighter, and the pressure let me know that it was real and I was still here. It took a few seconds for me to realize that the noise was coming from me.
“Shhh, it’s okay, princess.”
Through the violent shakes of my body, those arms didn’t waver.
The release from earlier helped ease the tension that had gripped my body for the last few days, but this release was cathartic. I lay in that bed for what felt like hours. My wails subsided, and so did the shakes, until only small hiccups remained.
“How do I move on from this?” I asked Cruz.
“You don’t,” he replied instantly. “It will always be there. You will learn to live with it. Everyone makes their own choices, but we have to learn not to carry the crux of others’. This life is a bitch, princess, but as long as we sink our claws into the little things that make us happy, we will be okay.”
I took his words in, appreciating the fact that he didn’t try to coddle me.
“I love my dad, and I don’t want to see him hurt because of me, but I realize now that it’s going to end up happening anyway.”
