Kade had his arm thrown over his eyes, shielding them from view. His throat worked, voice thick with emotion..
It took a long time for Killian to answer. When he found the words, they didn’t seem to be enough. “No, Kade. She was your mother.”
“She was awful. To you. To everyone. Selfish and demanding. I hated her. I loved her.” Trails of tears trekked down Kade’sface. His voice broke. “I miss her.”
Hesitant, Killian shifted over until he was laying flat on his back next to Kade. Shoulder to shoulder, Killian let his presence be known. A small comfort. “She loved you. More than anything. Whatever her faults—her many fucking faults—she loved you. It was her one redeeming quality.”
“I can’t forgive her for what she did to you. She threw you to the wolves.”
“Yes. Exactly. She offered me, and herself, up instead. To keep him away from you. She never regretted it, not for a second.”
“You can’t know that.”
“But I do,” Killian insisted. “It was the only thing we ever agreed on, me and Pella. We both wanted—needed—you to be safe, whatever the cost. It was the one thing I respected her for. I know she never regretted it, because I never did either. It’s not crazy for you to miss her. You’re allowed that.”
“What am I supposed to do now? She was all I had left.”
Killian clenched his fists. He wanted to argue against that, to shake Kade and shout that Kade hadhim. Kade would always have him. But he couldn’t. Because Kade didn’t have him. They had broken the day he’d been arrested and there was no going back from that.
Perhaps it was for the best.
Killian said, “You have Turell. Roi and Eria. They’ll help you after I’m gone. You have a good life here. I know you’ll be alright. And if you ever need me—”
“Don’t,” said Kade, hiccuping, his chest stuttering as he tried to get himself under control. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
Killian closed his eyes.
The time passed slowly, each second more painful than the last as Killian was forced to listen to Kade cry, knowing there was no comfort he could give.
Killian matched every breath to Kade’s and let them sit in the stillness until he couldn’t stand it anymore. “I don’t remember you being such a cry baby.”
Kade made an offended noise.
“You were such a stoic child,” Killian continued lightly. “Never cried at all.”
“That’snot true. What right did I have to cry? When you were the one getting beat. When you were the one who comforted me. What did I have to cry about? How could I cry when you weren’t?”
“Kade.”
“I cried when you were taken away,” Kade admitted, his mouth tipping down. “I don’t think I did anything but cry that entire year.”
That hurt to hear.
Though there was a part of Killian—a horrible, horrible part—that was happy that Kade had felt his absence so deeply.
“If it makes you feel better, my first year away probably went about as well,” Killian said. “I don’t remember much of it, mostly just the sentencing. The days sort of bled together down there in the dark.”
“It doesn’t. Killi, that makes it so much worse.”
Oh. Killian snapped his mouth shut.
Sitting up, Kade wiped his eyes. There were small specks of dirt and dried leaves sticking to his hair and his clothes. “Let’s call it a day.”
“What?” Killian rolled himself upright to meet Kade eye toeye. “There’s still hours of daylight left. You slacker.”
Kade snorted. “And there’s stilldaysleft of harvest in my future, a few hours won’t set me back too far. Besides, I’m sure you’ll need some extra time tonight t-to pack.”
“Right.” Killian was leaving in the morning. “It won’t take much time. I didn’t bring much.”
