I could still smell Julian’s cologne. The intoxicating scent lingered everywhere, like it had seeped into the very walls of my room.
I briefly closed my eyes and pressed my hands to my flushed cheeks, trying to calm my racing heart. This was wrong. So, so wrong.
Julian Valcourt had just been in my room, and his hands had been all over me. And instead of being terrified or disgusted or appropriately wary, I was...
God, I washorny.Hornier than I’d ever been in my life.
Shame flooded through me so intensely I thought I might combust. My body was shaking, every nerve ending hypersensitive, skin still tingling where he'd touched me.
I briskly crossed the room to my minifridge and grabbed the Mochi Moons bag with shaking hands, pressing it against my upper back like Julian had instructed. I hoped it would cool the heat searing through my veins, but I barely even felt it. I was burning from the inside out, my body betraying me in the most humiliating way possible.
With a groan of frustration, I tossed the bag on the bed.
Then I thought about Julian’s hands again. The careful way he'd examined my injury, so gentle despite the violence I'd witnessed in the parking lot. The contrast between those two versions of him—brutal protector and tender caregiver—made something in my stomach clench.
Stop it. Stop it right now.
But my mind refused to cooperate, conjuring up images I had no business imagining. Those hands on other parts of me. His body pressed against mine. The intensity in his eyes focused on me for an entirely different reason.
I squeezed my eyes shut, but that only made it worse. Now I could see Julian more clearly in my mind; the sharp line of his jaw, the breadth of his shoulders, the way his clothes fit his body. The controlled power in every movement; the dangerous grace of someone who knew exactly what his body could do.
To someone else.
Or to me.
"No," I whispered into the empty room. "No, no, no."
Guilt crashed over me in waves, each one more sickening than the last. This was the brother of Cal's murderer. Not a man I should be fantasizing about. And yet, here I was…
I pressed my palms against my hot cheeks again, trying to center myself and think rationally. This was just a normal physical response to an attractive man in a high-stress situation. That was all. Tonight had been crazy, and adrenaline and fear could make people feel all sorts of things.
It didn't mean anything. It didn't change anything.
Except… I knew I was lying to myself.
I sank onto my bed, burying my face in my hands. My skin was still burning, pulse still racing, and between my legs I felt an ache I couldn’t acknowledge, because if I did, I’d have to face what a terrible person I was.
Cal, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
But even as I thought it, even as genuine grief and regret twisted in my chest, I knew I couldn't stop my body's response. Couldn't stop thinking about Julian. Couldn't stop wanting something I had no right to want.
God, I needed a distraction. Needed something to ground me back in reality.
The ice,I thought, gaze snapping to the Mochi Moons bag I’d tossed on the bed a moment ago.Julian had told me to use it for twenty minutes, so that was what I should focus on right now.
I grabbed my phone, setting a timer with shaking hands. Then I lay down with my upper back on the frozen bag and tried to ignore the fact that I could still smell Julian everywhere.
Tried to ignore the way my hips shifted restlessly against the mattress.
Tried to ignore the voice in my head that whispered:You want him. Despite everything, you want him.
“I'm going to hell,” I muttered up at my ceiling. “I'm definitely going to hell.”
But even that certainty wasn't enough to make the wanting stop.
I tossed and turned for another few minutes, desperate for the ache to fade away, but it simply refused to do so. Another frustrated groan tore from my throat, and I sat up and scrambled out of my clothes and underwear, my makeshift icepack forgotten once again. Then I reached over to my bedside table.
I yanked open the drawer and fumbled for the purple bag I’d hidden beneath a pile of underwear when I unpacked all my stuff two weeks ago. Once I had it in my hand, I undid the top and dragged out the silicone dildo stored inside.
