“What?”
He rubbed his jaw. “My childhood wasn't like yours. I never had to kill anyone to protect my family. But I still understand what it's like to grow up feeling like you're acting all the time.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“My father has been grooming Roman and me since we were children to take on leadership roles. Everything we did was in service of that.” He paused, jaw tightening. “You’ve probably noticed that August isn’t exactly a warm man. Never has been. And my mother is pretty much the same. Love in our family is conditional. Tied to performance, to meeting expectations, to upholding the family legacy.”
“That sounds lonely,” I said softly.
“It was.” He reached over and took my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. “Roman and I are close because we had to be. We were all each other had. But even with him, I learned early on to keep certain parts of myself hidden. To maintain the facade of the perfect heir.” He paused. “But then I saw you.”
“Me?” I said, wondering how I factored into it.
“I told you yesterday that there’s a kind of light around you. But there’s something else there too,” he said. “When I first saw you, you had this expression on your face that I recognized instantly. Like you were trying really hard to hold it together. But I could see the sadness underneath the brave face you were putting on. And I could see that because I understood it.”
His thumb traced over my knuckles.
“Most people look at me and see what I want them to see. Someone to respect or fear. But when you looked at me that day, there was something different in your eyes. Like you were somehow seeing past the mask.”
“But I didn't even know who you were that day.”
“Exactly.” A faint smile crossed his face. “You had no idea I was a Valcourt. No idea about my status or any of it. You just saw... me. And that made me feel something I'd never felt before.”
“What?”
“Like maybe I didn't have to wear a mask for you. Like maybe you'd want me as I actually am.” He shook his head slightly. “It sounds pretty fucking ridiculous when I say it out loud. Projecting all of that onto a total stranger just because of a look she gave me.”
I squeezed his hand. “I don’t think it sounds ridiculous,” I said softly. “I think it’s sweet.”
“Well… that feeling only got stronger once I actually got to know you.” He met my eyes. “When I was assigned to spy on you, I learned a lot more about you. Your grief over losing Cal, andyour determination to find out what happened to her. You were so strong. So resilient. I thought about you constantly. Wanted to know everything about you, wanted to be close to you even though I knew I shouldn't.” He hesitated, rubbing his jaw. “I got totally obsessed. I know that. But for the first time in my life, I felt like I'd found someone who understood what it was like to carry so much invisible weight. Someone who might see the real me without judging.”
I thought about that for a moment; about how we'd both been performing in different ways. Me trying to hold myself together through my childhood and Cal's death, Julian trying to maintain the perfect Valcourt facade. Two people performing roles until we found each other and realized we could finally open up and be ourselves, no matter how much darkness or baggage we’d been carrying.
We sat in comfortable silence for a moment, just being still together without the weight of secrets or fear between us. Then I remembered what was coming next, and my stomach fluttered with nerves.
“Are you scared about meeting my mother tonight?” I asked, sitting up straighter.
Julian shook his head. “The only thing that scares me is the thought of losing you,” he said. “You know that.”
I raised a brow. “You’re not evenslightlynervous?”
“Well… maybe the tiniest bit.” He ruffled my hair, giving me another faint smile. “I could say the wrong thing. Then she won’t think I’m good enough for her little girl.”
“Don’t worry, she’s really easygoing. I think she’ll like you,” I said, returning his smile. “Besides, she can’t possibly be anywhere near as scary as your dad. I honestly feel like I’m about to have a heart attack whenever he looks at me.”
He laughed dryly. “Yeah, like I said, he’s not a warm man.”
“How do you think he’d react if he found out the truth about what our relationship used to be like?” I asked, brows knitting with curiosity. “Like… how I totally despised you for so long. Or the fact that you stayed away from me for a whole month when we were supposed to be getting to know each other.”
“He’d probably want to disown me.”
I blinked. “Seriously? Overthat?”
“Yeah.” Julian's jaw tightened again. “He has very specific ideas about how Selection relationships should function. The Reaper maintains control, the girl adapts to our world, and everything runs smoothly. When you told me you needed space for a month, that you couldn't forgive me for the surveillance… I was fine with that. But if my father found out I was accommodating it instead of asserting dominance, he'd see it as weakness.”
“But you did it anyway.”
“Because I don’t see it as weakness. Also, you’re much more important to me than his approval.” He said it simply, like it was obvious. “I'd rather have you on your terms than not have you at all. Even if that meant defying every expectation my father had for how I should handle my Selection.”
