“For what it’s worth,” she said, “I hope you figure it out. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. But I’m done waiting around while you do.”
Then she was gone.
I heard her footsteps on the stairs. Heard the front door open and close. Heard her car start in the driveway and pull away.
And then there was nothing but silence.
I sat there in my bed, alone, surrounded by sheets that smelled like sex and regret, and finally admitted what I’d been trying to deny for two weeks.
I’d fucked this up.
All of it.
Truth. Alexis. Everything.
And I had no idea how to fix it.
Chapter 18
TRUTH
Iwoke up at 4:47 AM with my heart already racing.
The room was still dark, the kind of pre-dawn darkness that felt heavy and suffocating. I’d been dreaming, something about water rising, about drowning, about reaching for something I couldn’t quite grasp. And when I opened my eyes, it took me a full ten seconds to remember where I was and why my chest felt like someone was sitting on it.
Day fourteen.
Two weeks since the second transfer. Two weeks of waiting and hoping and obsessing over every twinge, every cramp, every moment of nausea that might mean something or might mean nothing at all.
I’d told myself I wouldn’t test early this time. Told myself I’d wait for the blood test at Dr. Beaumont’s office like I was supposed to. Told myself I wouldn’t put myself through the torture of staring at a stick and willing a second line to appear.
But my body had other plans.
I threw off the covers and padded barefoot to the bathroom, my hands already shaking before I even turned on the light. The fluorescent bulb buzzed to life, harsh and unforgiving, andI caught sight of myself in the mirror—hair wild, eyes wide, looking like someone who hadn’t slept properly in weeks.
Because I hadn’t.
The pregnancy tests were in the cabinet under the sink where I’d hidden them three days ago. I’d bought a three-pack at the Walgreens on Claiborne, paid cash so there wouldn’t be a record, and shoved them to the back behind the cleaning supplies where Mama wouldn’t find them.
My hands were shaking so badly I almost dropped the first one.
I sat on the closed toilet lid and read the instructions even though I’d already memorized them.Remove cap. Hold stick in urine stream for five seconds. Replace cap. Wait three minutes for results. One line: not pregnant. Two lines: pregnant.
Three minutes.
One hundred and eighty seconds.
The longest three minutes of my life.
I did everything the instructions said. Held the stick steady even though my hands wanted to shake. Replaced the cap with fingers that felt numb and disconnected. Set it on the edge of the sink and forced myself to look away.
The clock on my phone said 4:52 AM.
I counted the seconds in my head because looking at the test would make time move slower.One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi.My heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my throat, in my fingertips, in the soles of my feet pressed against the cold tile floor.
At ninety seconds, I couldn’t help it. I looked.
One line.
