“Alright then, lie down for me please Sage.”
A few minutes later, the room fills with thesound of our baby’s heartbeat. The rapid whooshing sound is reassuring and exhilarating all at once.
When I look down at Sage, her eyes are welling up with tears. I bend down and kiss her forehead. “There she is, little mama.”
She exhales a shaky breath. “It never gets old, hearing that sound.”
“And everything sounds wonderful,” Enid says calmly. She takes a towel and wipes off Sage’s stomach. “Okay, let’s talk about the birth plan.”
I help Sage up to sitting and leave my arm around her shoulders. Our thighs are pressed tightly together, and her hands are clenched in her lap. With my free hand, I reach over and take one of hers, threading our fingers together.
“Now, I always like to remind parents that a birth plan should never be set in stone. So many things can happen, we have to be flexible. And above all, prioritize the well-being of mama and baby,” Enid starts. “There are a lot of variables during labour we cannot fully account for, but my job is to make sure you’re both fully informed about what’s happening and what decisions you may have to make.”
My stomach churns. It’s possible I’ve read too many books on pregnancy and childbirth. Because I know exactly what kinds of decisions she’s referring to, and they’re all terrifying.
“Brady,” Enid says, looking directly at me, “you’ll be in the delivery room. Have you thought about whether you want to be an active participant, doing things likecutting the cord or catching your baby, or would you like to just be a support for Sage? Both are equally important roles, so it truly comes down to your comfort and capabilities.”
There’s a buzzing sound in my ears. My capabilities aswhat? As a partner and a father? Can I be trusted to fucking deliver my own baby? I don’t know, can I?
I clear my throat once. Twice. Then try to speak. “I’ll do whatever Sage needs from me.” There. That’s a good answer, right?
It must be, because Enid nods and makes a note on the computer. “Alright. Sage, have you considered pain management options?”
The questions go on from there. I know I should man up and be strong for Sage as she struggles to answer them, but I feel like part of my brain is frozen. All this time, I’ve been worrying about providing for my family financially. I never stopped to think about whether I can even be the man Sage and my daughter will need. Whether I can handle myself in the delivery room, or if I’ll do what Fiona teased me about and faint in the corner.
It honestly never crossed my mind until I heard Enid talk about me catching my daughter or cutting the cord. But now it’s all I can think about. It’s not just about the birth. It’s about everything that comes after. I’ve talked big about being there for Sage and doing whatever she needs me to do. But what happens when I’m traveling with the team? Sure, we should have some time before that happens with the baby being due in the offseason.But our daughter won’t even be a year old when the season starts up again and I’ll be gone a lot of the time.
What kind of father can I hope to be if I’m leaving Sage to play baseball while she has to go to work and raise our daughter?
The rest of the appointment goes by in a blur. I guess I say something, who knows. Maybe I don’t. Because the next thing I know, Sage and I are driving home, the silence between us tense.
At the apartment, I know I need to explain myself. I can see Sage retreating as she goes to sit on the couch with a glass of water.
“Sage, I’m sorry,” I say, coming to sit beside her.
“Sorry for what?” she asks quietly, staring straight ahead instead of looking at me.
I exhale, leaning back and looking at the ceiling. “I froze. Hearing Enid talk about labour and childbirth, and what you’d be going through and what I should be doing to help, I froze. I don’t know if I can cut the cord or help deliver her. I don’t know if I’m gonna prove Fiona right and faint in the corner when I see you in so much pain. I don’t know if I can do it. And that’s so fucking unfair of me to even say. I’ve got the easy part. But I’m still terrified I can’t be the man you need when you need me the most.”
Sage is quiet for a moment, and my heart sinks. Then her foot nudges my thigh, and I drag my head around to look at her.
“I can’t quite decide if that’s the nicest or the stupidest thing I’ve heard you say.”
I choke out a pained laugh. “What?”
“You don’t think you can be the man I need, when all you’ve done for months now is prove to me you’re exactly the man I need and the man I want. You’re scared? You froze? Well, guess what, I’m terrified, too! You’re right about one thing, you do get the easy part. I’m the one who has to go through the most excruciating experience, one that’s apparently impossible to plan for, that could go seriously wrong.” She looks down, blinking several times.
“But the entire time Enid was talking about options and decisions we might have to make, I never once, not even for a second, doubted your ability to help me through it. Knowing you would be by my side was the only reason I didn’t break down in a panic when she started talking about epidurals and episiotomies.”
She takes my hands in hers and lays them flat against her rounded stomach.
“This baby girl is coming, whether we’re ready for her or not. And I’m scared. I’m scared of all the things we can’t control, and I’m scared of planning for the things we can.”
Sage bites her lip, looking down at our hands on her stomach, then back up to me.
“Any time I’ve made plans in the past, they’ve been blown to pieces for some reason or another. But you’ve shown me that when life doesn’t go according to plan, it might be because something even better is waiting. I wouldn’t want to go through this with anyone else. No matter what happens, I know that you and I can do this together.”
I’m once again speechless. But I know I can’t hold back a second longer. We’re facing our fears, right here, right now.
