I swipe at the tears that are now flowing. “Did you know I was the result of a one-night stand? Momswore she never regretted keeping me, but fuck. I know how hard it was for her being a single mom. Do I want to go through that? I don’t know if I can do it.” I dissolve into another sob as I think of my mom. She’d know what to say, she’d tell me what to do.
God, I wish she was here.
I touch my tattoo as fresh tears soak the front of my shirt.
“Your mom was a freaking badass. She was the coolest mom in town, and she loved you fiercely. And I have no doubt that if you decide to do this, you’ll be exactly the same.” Fiona pauses, then continues. “Do you want to try and find the guy before you decide if you’re going to keep it?”
I try to wipe away more tears and fail. “I can’t wait that long. Who knows how long it’ll take to find him, and I’ve got to decide now. England, remember?” I blow out a sigh. “Besides, what if he turns out to be an asshole like my sperm donor?”
“Then you walk away,” Fiona says firmly.
My stomach gurgles, and my hand goes to it once again. There’s a baby in there. Okay, a collection of cells right now, but still.
I wonder what my mom felt when she was living through this moment. When she had to decide what to do about me. What made her choose to keep me?
“Remember when we were younger, we’d pretend that we were grown-ups, and our kids were growing up together?”
“Yeah,” I say, a shaky smile on my face. “You’d have a boy and I’d have a girl.”
“Ricky and Lucy.”
I laugh. “My God, why did we think those were good names?”
“Because my mother was obsessed with Lucille Ball and it’s all that was ever on the television at my house,” she replies. “We can think of better names. Back then we also thought we were going to marry two of the Backstreet Boys. The point is, you have always wanted kids. Maybe this isn’t the way you thought it would happen, but since when do things ever happen the way we think they should?”
“That is exactly why I hate making plans,” I say to Fiona, sniffing back the last of my tears. “Because every time I do, life comes along and throws a wrench in the works.”
“At least it’ll be a cute wrench,” Fiona says, sensing the direction I’m headed.
I choke out another chuckle. “Very cute.”
“And I’ll be their favourite auntie, of course.”
My smile comes easier now. “Of course.” I gulp down a steadying breath. “I have to try and find him, don’t I?”
“You don’thaveto,” Fiona says cautiously. “Unless you want to be able to tell your child that you least tried to find their father.”
I’m already nodding even though she can’t see me. “I do. Even if he is like my bio dad and wants nothing to do with the baby, at least I’ll have tried.” I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry. “I don’t want my child to have to face life alone if anything happens to me. I know I’ll be a great mom, even if I don’t find the father. But a childdeserves to have as many people in their life as possible to love and support them.”
I reach up to touch my tattoo as my decision settles over me. I’m keeping this baby. I know it’s what my mom would want me to do, and it feels right the longer I think about it.
“But now I have to figure out how the heck I’m going to find the father.”
“Good thing we’ve got a few months to work on that.”
The thought of seeing Brady again doesn’t fill me with dread. No, if I’m being honest with myself, there’s a flutter of anticipation in my gut that I can’t blame on the nausea. I want to see him again. I’ve tried to deny it, assuming it was never going to happen.
And it still might never happen. But now I’ve got a reason to try.
My hand goes back to my stomach. “Okay, so I need to cancel my England contract and figure out where the heck I’m going to live. Because I lose this apartment next week.” My eyes widen. “Crap. I lose my apartment next week! And someone is buying my car from me this weekend, and I have no job. What the hell am I going to do?”
“We’ll work it out. Why don’t you come out here for a bit? Stay with me and figure out your next steps. I’m sure there’ll be work around here and you’ll love this part of Vancouver Island, it’s so freaking adorable.” Fiona’s voice is soothing, or at least I assume she means it to be, but I might be too far gone for it to help.
Still, it’s not a bad idea. Having some company and aplace to stay while I try to find Brady and figure out how to handle all of this would be good.
“Okay. Thanks, Fi. That would be amazing.” My eyes start to fill with tears again. “I’m really glad you called. I love you,” I say as the tears drip down my cheeks.
“Love you too, girl. Now, get off the phone, book a flight, and text me the details. Everything will be okay, I promise.”
