“Because we care. That’s what Donnellys do. We care, and we get nosy and all up in your business so we can help when shit goes sideways.” At least Jude has the decency to keep his volume low. If this were Sawyer, I have no doubt the entire town would know he was giving me the third degree. “So why don’t you tell me what’s really going on.”
I stare at him for a few seconds. The calm, unwaveringly supportive expression written all over his face cracks the dam holding back my emotions.
“I love her, Jude. I’ve always loved her. It’s fucking stupid and I’m trying to forget it and move on. I need to remember she doesn’t want me that way. But now she’s in my house and she’s in my bed. She’s everywhere and I can’t forget it when she’s fucking everywhere.”
Woah. Okay, even I was not prepared for that kind of revelation. I know I’ve kept my feelings for Cam buried for a long time, but I honestly thought I’d done a better job of moving on.
“There’s a lot to unpack there, dude,” Jude says quietly. “Do we start with the ‘love’ part or the ‘in your bed’ part?”
This time I don’t bother stifling the groan. “Fuck, man, I know I’m screwed.”
Jude stands. “You done eating? Let’s go for a walk.”
I rise from the bench as well, and we start wandering along the path toward the gazebo.
“Does Cam know you love her?”
I snort. “Hell, no. She made it clear right from the beginning that we’d be friends and only friends. The woman is allergic to relationships and thinks love is toxic and dangerous. She lost her parents in a car accident, and God knows what else has happened to make her this way. But if she knew how I felt, she’d run screaming in the opposite direction.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jude nod slowly. And a bizarre sense of relief fills me. Of all my brothers, he’s probably the best one to come clean to. The man is a fucking vault, and I know if I tell him not to say a word to anyone else, he won’t. Briefly, I consider telling him all of it — the marriage, the sex, everything. But at the last minute, I remember my promise to Cam — that the marriage would be a secret. I won’t betray her trust.
“She’s been having a hard time sleeping ever since her grandpa died. A few nights ago, she came into my room and asked to sleep in my bed so she wouldn’t be alone. What the hell was I meant to say? But then every morning, I wake up with her in my arms, like our unconscious selves can’t stay apart. She doesn’t say anything, I don’t say anything, it just keeps happening.” I take a deep breath in and exhale loudly. “Until today.”
Jude doesn’t say a word, but he pauses mid-stride for a split second before recovering. I’d put money on him jumping to the correct conclusion, but that doesn’t stop me from needing to get it out there.
“This morning, I don’t know what was different. But one thing let to another and then…”
I trail off. How the hell do I put into words the epic high and equally epic low that I experienced this morning?
“Then you had sex and if I’m reading the situation correctly, she ghosted?”
I nod.
“And now you’re freaking out, wondering if you’ve ruined a friendship or if this could be the start of everything?”
I nod again.
“You want to talk to her, but you don’t want to push her, because pushing her might make it worse?”
I come to a stop at the base of the white steps of the gazebo and turn to him. “Okay, this is getting weird, Jude. Yes to all of that. What the hell?”
He gives me a wry grin. “Bro, that’s almost exactly what happened with me and Lily. Friends who crossed a line physically and then panicked that it would ruin everything. But it didn’t. And maybe it won’t for you as well, but you’ll never know unless you talk to her.”
By the time I get home after work, Cam’s back. She’s in the kitchen, and I waste no time finding her. Leaning against the counter, I watch her for a minute or two, but she keeps her back to me, giving me the barest of greetings.
Okay, time to play hardball.
“We have to talk sometime, Cam, you can’t avoid me forever.” My conversation with Jude is rattling around in my brain. He’s right; if we don’t talk we’ll never move past this — whether it’s in the way I desperately want to or not. “If you regret what happened this morning, then just say it. Let’s clear the air and move on. This doesn’t have to be a big thing.”
It’s a huge thing, at least, to me it is. But I’m well practiced at putting my feelings aside when it comes to Cam.
She’s turned around to stare at me, and I don’t think her arms could possibly be wrapped any tighter around her stomach. I brace myself for the worst.
But then, as usual, Cam surprises me.
“I don’t regret it, Beck. Believe me, I don’t. It was spectacular. But what does this mean for us now? Where do we go from here? Are we fuck buddies? Friends with benefits? We can’t be that, we’re married, for fuck’s sake.”
Okay. Well, that’s a relief. At least it was apparently as powerful for her as it was for me. But she’s spiraling, big time. And while the deep-seated, protect-her-at-all-costs part of me wants to throw her over my shoulder and carry her back to bed where everything was clear and easy, I resist. Because this moment is inevitable. All I can do now is damage control and try to help her through the panic and out the other side where she hopefully realizes this is who we were meant to be all along.
