“Sounds good,” I reply quietly. I hate the odd tension I’m feeling right now, even if I do know I caused it with my “best friend” comment. He’s done nothing but be amazing this past week, and with one simple — but true — statement, I hurt him.
This is why it’s so important to me that we stay friends. Because anything more, even the slightest hint of it, and what we have would be ruined.
After Beckett leaves, I get ready, showering and dressing in a maxi dress with a denim jacket on top. Comfortable but stylish, hopefully that’s appropriate for wedding dress shopping. Not like I have a clue; I don’t exactly have a wealth of female friends. As I slip on my shoes, I hear a knock on the door.
Hurrying down the hall, I open it to see Kat Donnelly with an excited grin. She flings her arms around me, catching me by surprise.
“I’m so excited you’re coming!”
Her enthusiasm isn’t unexpected, I would guess most girls are excited to go wedding dress shopping. Not me, however. I’ve never imagined what I would wear to get married because I never imagined getting married.
But I guess I am a little taken aback at how excited she is about me being here. Kat’s great, but I would have never called us close friends or anything. I’ve seen her the handful of times I’ve come to Dogwood Cove, and we’re friends on social media, but that’s it. Still, there’s no denying that her happiness over my presence feels good.
Locking Beckett’s door behind me, I pocket the key and follow Kat to her car where Claire and Kat’s friend Lily wait. On the way, she babbles on about how Serena, her cousin’s wife, and Heidi, Max’s girlfriend, couldn’t make it because of work commitments.
I’m surprised by the slight pang of jealousy I feel hearing her talk about all the women in her life. I never had close friendships with women. Sure, in university there were a couple of girls I hung out with, but making friends, letting people in, that’s not something I do easily. Except with Beckett, of course.
Half an hour later, we’re walking into a bridal salon in Westport, the next town over. Claire tried to draw me into conversation a couple of times on the drive, and I didn’t want to be rude, but the truth is, my own thoughts had started to run wild. Listening to Kat and Lily gush about their men, Kat sharing her proposal story, and Lily talking about how she and Kat’s brother Jude ended up together, it was a lot to take in. Their obvious happiness and love, even the transparency they both had sharing the struggles they faced getting to where they are now in their relationships affected me.
For some reason, I can feel their words starting to chip away at the wall I have around my heart.
It’s not like I’ve never seen a healthy relationship. I’ve seen Beckett’s parents together many times over the years, and there was never a more stable, solidly in love couple.
But something is hitting differently, hearing Kat and Lily talk. Maybe it’s because they’re my age, maybe it’s because they’re sharing the good and the bad, maybe it’s just because I’m still an emotional mess. Whatever it is, I can’t deny the unsettled feelings inside of me. As if part of my identity is slowly being peeled back.
While Kat’s trying on her fourth dress and Claire is in the dressing room helping her, Lily shifts on the couch beside me, turning her head to stare directly at me.
“Okay, woman to woman, what’s going on in that head of yours.”
I raise my eyebrows at her very direct question. Lily and I definitely don’t know each other, even if I do feel some sort of kinship with her based on what she said about her past experience with relationships — and the fact that she admitted she never expected to settle down and fall in love.
“What do you mean?” I ask cautiously, my eyes darting to the changing room where Kat and Claire still are.
“Listen, I recognize a closed off heart when I see one. You’ve got emotional damage written all over you, and I say that with all the love and respect you deserve. Something happened to make you believe love was a pile of crap, and I’m guessing listening to me and Kat blather on about our guys has made you feel like shit, that we’re crazy, or maybe like you’ve had it all wrong. I’m just wondering which one it is.”
Holy shit, this woman. In just a few sentences, she’s figured me out. It would be terrifying if it weren’t so impressive and if she wasn’t totally right.
“Can it be a combination of all three?” I reply softly, and Lily’s face wreaths into an understanding smile.
“Absolutely.” Lily studies me for a second, and I hold my breath, wondering what other deep dark secret of mine she’s figuring out. “Beckett’s a good guy. One of the best. If there’s anyone worth taking a risk on, it’s him.”
This time, I am terrified. “Please don’t say anything to anyone,” I blurt out, not even really sure what I’m afraid of her saying. There’s no chance she knows we’re married, and it’s not like we’ve ever behaved as anything more than the friends we are. So what would Lily possibly say and to whom?
“I won’t. There’s nothing for me to say, is there.” The fact she makes it a statement and not question comes as a slight relief. But before I can say anything else, the changing room door opens, and Kat walks out, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Claire has her hands over her mouth, and her eyes look shiny as well.
“Oh Kat,” Lily says, standing up, our conversation forgotten. By her, at least. I’m still reeling from it, even as I stand as well and join the others in gushing over how beautiful Kat looks in the dress.
And for the rest of the afternoon, through lunch to celebrate Kat finding her wedding dress and the drive home, I’m lost in my own head, feeling very off kilter by what Lily said.
Because she’s right about one thing — well, more than one, but this in particular. Beckett is a good man. The best, in fact. And if I ever were to risk my heart, he’s the kind of man I’d want to put it on the line for.
But with Beckett, it’s not just my heart I’d be risking. It’s the one person I have left.
When the wave of angry grief from remembering just how alone I am hits, I’m unprepared for it. But somehow I swallow it down, putting on what I hope is a strong enough mask to hide the roiling emotions.
I can’t risk losing Beck. No matter how true Lily’s words might have been.
By the time Claire and Kat drop me off at Beckett’s house, I’m worn out from overthinking everything. Thankfully, the two Donnelly women are still riding the high of wedding dress success, and they don’t seem to notice me withdrawing. With parting hugs and promises to meet for lunch later in the week, I leave them and walk inside the house. Beck’s car is in the driveway, so I know he’s home, but I’m not expecting him to come out of his bedroom shirtless.
