Before I can think too much about what I’m doing, I grab Carson’s chart and head for an empty meeting room that has a computer.
It takes me less than a minute to pull up the website. Two minutes to scan the criteria, making note of anything pertinent to Carson. And it takes only seconds for me to save the document I need to my desktop and start filling it in. I’ll finish it later, print it out, and submit it.
If I go through with it.
My phone is sitting on the desk next to the keyboard, so when it vibrates with an incoming call, I can easily glance at it.
It’s Heidi. I ignore it and the pang of guilt I feel in doing so. But shortly after the call, she sends a text.
HEIDI: Where are you?
I pick up the phone and thumb out a short reply, knowing that if I don’t, she’ll get worried.
MAX: Busy. Everything okay on ward?
The “…” comes and goes. Perhaps I should wonder why it’s taking her so long to respond, but my attention is drawn back to the screen in front of me.
My focus is split between my warring conscious that’s telling me what I’m doing is wrong and my increasingly stronger need to see this through to completion. I don’t hear the door behind me open until Heidi’s shocked whisper makes me jump in my seat.
“What are you doing?”
Spinning around, I cast a furtive glance behind her, but there’s no one else in the room.
“Close the door.” I turn back to the computer. I sense her come closer, and I tense, knowing what she’s going to see on the screen in front of us.
“Max. Those aren’t the right numbers. Carson’s levels are not that high.”
“I know that.”
“Are you…” Her voice trails off, but it’s clear what she’s hinting at. And she’s right.
“I have to, Heidi. He deserves to be on the list. If he doesn’t get assessed, and soon, he’ll die.” I keep my eyes pointing forward, refusing to meet her gaze, even though I can feel her penetrating stare.
“What happens when the transplant team comes to assess him, and his results are different from what you put down? They’ll know you lied. You’ll get caught and it’ll cost you your medical license.”
The condemnation in her tone is clear. But I’m committed. This must happen.
“He’s only going to get worse, Heidi. You know it, I know it, and he knows it. By the time the team actually makes it over from Vancouver to do his review, he’ll meet the criteria.”
“He might, he might not. Are you really willing to risk your career like this? My career? Because I’m tied to you right now, Max. Isn’t that the whole point of us staying secret? What happens to you, happens to me, and vice versa?” Her voice is rising in volume and pitch, and I finally look at her, narrowing my eyes.
“Shh. Quiet.” My harsh whisper makes her wince, and I almost give in and admit she’s right. This is a bad idea. I know the risks. But I also know I can’tnotdo this. No matter the cost. “You can walk away now and pretend you never knew. Plausible deniability. This is why we kept our relationship a secret, isn’t it? So your career wouldn’t be affected. You’ll be fine. I won’t say a word.”
“Max, you can’t do this. He isn’t Callum or Teagan. You can’t save them all.”
I scoff. “I can fucking well try. I have to help him. And if you don’t want to be a part of this, fine. I respect that. Just keep your mouth shut.”
An outraged gasp escapes her. “You really think you need to say that to me? God, Max, no. I would never betray you like that. But I also can’t stand by and let you do this without at least trying to get you to see you’re wrong. You can’t do this.”
“I have to. If you can’t understand that, then you don’t understand me. I think you should leave.”
The scrape of her chair pushing back is too loud in the void that has suddenly appeared between us. Because she knows, just as well as I do, that what I said affects more than just this moment right here.
“I thought we trusted each other. Respected each other. This isn’t okay, Max, and you know it. If you do this, you’re risking more than just our careers. You’re risking us. Is it really worth it?”
A small part of me hears the hurt in her voice and cringes at the fact that I’m causing her pain. But a larger part of me is set in my resolve. This has to happen. I’m a doctor; I became a doctor to save lives, and I’ll do whatever the fuck it takes to do that.
Her footsteps echo across the room and across the empty space where my heart used to be as she carries it out with her.
