I don’t want to believe it. She might have lied to me about not wanting kids, but surely Stefani didn’t cheat on me as well. That would mean…I don’t know what that would mean. I already felt betrayed by her, but this is so much worse.
“Honey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else. I hate that woman for what she did to you.”
“Mom, thanks for telling me, but I gotta go.”
I hang up the phone without waiting to hear what my mother says. I have to be at the clinic in less than an hour which means it is time to compartmentalize. I can figure out how to handle this insanity after I deal with the animals of Dogwood Cove for the next eight hours.
By some miracle, work is simple enough that it distracts my mind without taking up too much brainpower. Veronica leaves me alone, all of the cases are straightforward and successful, and I even manage to finish my paperwork early. But when I leave the clinic, I don’t want to go home. I find myself wandering down the street to Hastings, the bar where I played pool with Mila. Okay, so I didn’t go there just to play pool with Mila, but that’s what I associate the place with. Come to think of it, I associate most places in town with things I’ve done with Mila. The pizza joint we’ve ordered from twice. The beach where we met for a paddle — me on my board, her in her kayak. And of course, The Nutty Muffin, where that woman manages to get me to try every weird and wonderful pastry she creates. She has yet to disappoint.
When I push open the door to the bar, my eyes cast around the dim room. There’s no point in denying who I’m looking for, but she isn’t here. I do see someone with long blonde hair, instantly reminding me of the fucking insane bomb that my mom dropped on me earlier.
Stefani cheated on me.
She’s pregnant with someone else’s kid. Someone she was with while she was with me.
The blonde turns around, and it’s Mila’s friend Serena. She gives me a wave, I nod back, hoping she doesn’t try to come over. I’m not in the mood for small talk. I sit down at the bar and order a double shot of whiskey. I toss it back, and signal for another. That one I take more slowly, and finally I let my mind stew on the news my mom gave me. I honestly thought I was moving on, was over Stefani and what she did. It’s been seven months. But the truth is, even though she lied to me about wanting kids, I still loved her when I left. Even knowing we would never work out, I still loved the woman I thought she was. She wasn’t perfect, we weren’t perfect. But at some point, we were good together. And I guess I never really let myself feel the loss of what could have been.
Now any positive feelings I might have held onto about Stefani are blacked out by anger and hurt. My teeth are clenched so tightly my jaw is starting to ache. The roiling in my gut isn’t from the whiskey, rather it’s from her.
I finish the second glass of whiskey, and the bartender, Dean, I think Mila said was his name, gestures to ask if I want another. I shake my head, pull out some bills from my wallet, and slap them down on the bar top.
The evening air has cooled off by the time I get outside. I’m drunk enough to know I need to be careful walking home, so as not to give the wrong impression to the good folks of Dogwood Cove. I’m also drunk enough to make one really bad decision when I get home.
I dial her number from memory, because deleting it from my phone didn’t erase it from my mind.
“Jackson? Why are you calling me?”
She sounds nervous. As she should.
“Got what you really wanted, huh Stef?”
“You’re drunk.”
I snort. “No shit. Want to know why I’m drunk on a Thursday night? Because my mom had to call me and tell me you’re pregnant.”
There’s a long pause, and even in my current state I know she’s trying to figure out how to handle this. I don’t give her the chance to come up with any sort of excuse.
“I might not want kids, but even I know how long a woman’s pregnancy is, Stefani. Who were you fucking while we were engaged?”
“What are you mad about, Jackson? The fact that I’m pregnant or that it isn’t yours?” Her voice is mocking me, and I snap. I leap up off the couch, disturbing Harley who was curled up on my lap. I start to pace the small living room.
“Seriously? You think I’m angry that I’m not the father of your child? For fuck’s sake, Stef, I didn’t want kids. Not with you, not with anyone. Why can’t you accept that?” I’m yelling now, and part of me knows I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. “What I’m angry about, what fucking kills me, is that you cheated. You cheated on me, on our relationship, on the promise we made to each other when you put on a fucking diamond ring and agreed to marry me. That is what I’m angry about.”
My voice breaks at the end, and I sink down the wall to the floor. I can hear Stefani crying on the other end of the phone, and a small, stupid part of me still hates that I upset her. She deserves to know how I feel, however. She deserves to feel a small part of the pain she caused me.
“I’m sorry, Jackson. Honestly, I am. I never meant for it to happen. I was going to break up with you earlier, but it was so hard to walk away from what we had. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to. I didn’t want to hurt you, I swear.”
“How the hell am I meant to believe any word you say?”
“Jackson…”
Her sobbing just makes me shake my head. “Goodbye Stefani. Good luck with whoever the guy is that was good enough for you to cheat on me. I hope you’re happy. I am. Without you.”
I hang up and toss my phone across the room before dropping my head into my hands. I thought confronting her would make me feel better, give me some closure. Instead, I feel like shit. I feel like someone took my heart that was finally starting to heal, ripped it out of my chest, and stomped on it. Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. How the hell do I move on from this, how do I ever let someone in again?
My mind goes to Mila.
No. I can’t think about her right now.
