The question was, how.
Chapter 20
The taxi ride home gave Reagan more than enough time to overthink her decision to leave. Would Chase get her note? Will he worry if he can’t find her? She had debated keeping her phone on in case he called, but had taken the coward’s choice and turned it off. She knew that if she heard his voice, she would be likely to forget why she had to walk away.
As she sat in the dark backseat of the car that was speeding through the city to take her home, Reagan thought about what Richie had said. As much as she hated to admit that a creep like him could be right, he had a point. She would only hold Chase back. Not because of her body or her looks, like he had insinuated, no, she would hold Chase back because she would not go with him if he had to leave Portland to follow his dream. Her life was here and no matter how important he was to her, she just could not envision walking away from her family, her friends, and her own dream.
It was a strange turn of events, as Reagan realized Chase had been the one to give her the confidence to believe that her own dreams were worth being a priority in her life. His love had helped her see the importance of staying true to herself and standing up for what she wanted out of life. And as much as she wanted him in her life, they hadn’t made any commitments to each other. Which meant, in her sorrow-filled mind, they both needed to decide what they wanted to do in life without letting a relationship cloud the situation. A voice deep inside of her whispered that perhaps this wasn’t the smartest way to look at things, after all wasn’t love also an important part of life? But she was too far gone down the self-sacrificing, self-critical path she was on, to fully pay attention to that fleeting thought.
Once she was home, Reagan quickly stripped off her clothes and turned on the shower. When the steam started to billow out the top of the shower stall, she stepped in, letting the hot water cascade over her. The metaphorical washing away of the horrible feeling the evening had filled her with was cathartic. Once she had washed off her makeup, Reagan closed her eyes and rested her head against the wall of the shower. Taking a deep breath, she tried to quiet the chaos in her mind.
Just as she felt she was gaining some degree of control over herself, she was startled by a furious pounding on her door. Reagan knew who it was, and a selfish part of her yearned to see him, fold herself into his arms and pretend the whole evening had never happened. Inhaling deeply, she shut off the water and stepped out. She wrapped a towel around her torso, squeezing the excess water from her hair as best she could. The pounding continued, and now that she didn’t have water pouring down on top of her, she could hear Chase’s voice as well, punctuating his knocks.
“Come on, Red, don’t do this. I know you’re in there… I hope you’re in there… Fuck. Where are you, Reagan?”
He sounded broken, and Reagan felt herself crumble inside. Every fibre of her being was screaming at her to go to him, ask for his forgiveness and go back to the way things were. But she could not shake the image of him at the party tonight, happily talking music and records and whatever else they discussed. He had appeared to be in his element, chasing his dream, and she could not be the reason he walked away from all of that.
She slowly opened the front door and the man looking back at her had such a wounded expression on his face.
“Chase, I—”
He cut her off by swooping forward and sealing his mouth over hers in a desperate kiss. She could feel the anger, confusion, and pain swirling through him as he poured everything into his kiss.
Reagan pulled back with a sob, clutching her towel to her body, regretting the fact that she had not stopped to at least find a robe before opening the door. She was vulnerable, emotionally, and physically.
She took a step backward and gestured for him to come inside. He walked past her and headed straight to the couch where he collapsed and dropped his head into his hands.
“A note, Red? You leave with just a note? I thought… I thought we meant more than that.” Chase’s voice cracked.
Reagan couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes as she replied, “I’m sorry, Chase. I know it was a cowardly thing to do. But I had to leave, it was so clear to me that you belonged there, and I didn’t.”
Chase looked up at her with a frown and let out a snort of derision. “That’s bullshit, Reagan. Don’t pull that, please. The only place I belong is by your side. At least that’s what I believed until tonight. What changed? Why did you suddenly decide we weren’t going to work out?”
She spared a glance up at him, the anger in his voice so unfamiliar to her. He had never directed that tone at her, and it stung, even as she realized she deserved it.
“I… I just, well, everything looked like it was going so well, and I realized if you do this, you’ll have to leave eventually. And I can’t leave. My life is here, Chase.”
“And what about your life with me?”
His anger had been replaced with a deep pain, and Reagan felt her eyes fill with tears in response.
“I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t be the only reason you say no to a record deal. That’s too much pressure on me, on us. What if we don’t work out and you pass up the best opportunity you’re going to get? You would resent me, and it would all be for nothing,” she cried out, finally revealing her true fears.
Chase shook his head sadly. “Wow. You’re already planning for our end without even giving me a fair chance to tell you what I want.”
Reagan answered him softly, uncertain if she really wanted to hear his reply. “Can you honestly tell me you don’t want music?”
Chase let out a wry chuckle. “Babe, I’ll always want music and I’ll always have it in my life somehow. What I wanted more than that was you, and me, forever. Music comes second to that, but I guess I didn’t do a very good job of making you believe me.”
* * *
That was it, Chase had officially poured his heart out onto the floor in front of Reagan. He had nothing left to say, no idea how to convince her that what they had was real and far more important than any record deal possibly could be.
The silence stretched between them and Chase started to feel restless waiting for her to reply. He needed her to say something, anything to give him a shred of hope that they weren’t really over.
When Reagan stretched her arm out and threaded her fingers with his, he let out a sigh of relief. That had to be a good sign.
“Outside of my family and Callie, I’ve never let someone get close enough to me for love. Never thought that I was desirable enough for someone to love. But you changed that, Chase, you made me believe that I’m beautiful, and sexy, and worthy of true love and happiness.”
