“When I got my acceptance letter of transfer.”
“Jesus, Alex.” The rain picks up slightly, and a handful of people pass, not caring in the least about us fighting in the middle of the sidewalk. “Is Trinity going with you?”
“To London?” she asks, confused. “Is that what this is about?”
“No,” I shout. “It’s about you breaking your promise. You swore you wouldn’t leave.”
“You said, college notwithstanding,” she yells back. “This is college. London is college.”
“Right.” I did say that. Except that’s not what this is, and we both know it. “Then this is about nothing.”
“Jules.” She doesn’t believe me. I can tell by her voice. “It doesn’t seem like nothing.”
She’s right. It’s not nothing. It’s everything. It’s the way my feelings shifted so suddenly when Alex returned home from Europe. It’s the way I craved to touch her in ways I’ve never wanted to touch anyone before. It’s the way she handled me like I was the most incredible thing in the world and how I yearn to be touched that way again.
It’s also the way she moved on like I was just another night, just another Sophia or Simone. It’s the way she doesn’t seem to care about any of it while I’m stuck in this endless loop ofwant.
Cold drops of rain slide down my face, but all I can feel are the warm set of tears racing down my cheeks too quickly to wipe away. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to tell my best friend I think I may have real feelings for her, ones that involve an entirely different kind of relationship. I don’t know how to tell her I’m terrified of never wanting someone else ever again. I’m terrified that I’m losing my friend and telling her such things will push her away indefinitely.
“I want to know why you’re so upset about this. Tell me what’s going on.”
Her pleading kills me. My heart splinters into a million different pieces because I needherto say it. I needherto figure it all out because I don’t know how to find the words or sort through the onslaught of emotions. I squeeze my eyes closed.
“Jules,” she says again.
I hate how she says my name. It feels like a stake right through my heart.
Slowly, I open my eyes. For a second, I think she understands that for me, our night together wasn’t an experiment but something so much more. I know she didn’t want things to change between us, and I’m trying, I’m tryingso hardfor them not to. But I don’t know how to look at her as just a friend. Not anymore.
Her brows crease, and she tilts her head, and I realize she just doesn’t get it.
“Nothing,” I tell her again. “I’m happy for you. Really.”
She stares at me, like she knows I’m not telling her something, but she doesn’t press. She never presses.
Chloe jogs over and pulls the collar up on her jacket. “Got my phone. Jeez, it’s cold.” She looks from me to Alex. “What happened? What did I miss?”
“Nothing,” Alex says, repeating my words. She pulls out her phone and turns away. “I’ll grab the Lyft.”
“Seriously, what just happened?” Chloe asks.
I shake my head because I don’t want to talk about it.
Chloe sits in between us on the ride back to Alex’s building. She tries to break the silence with humor, but neither I nor Alex respond, so she eventually gives up. None of us says anything else the rest of the way. When we get into our pajamas, Chloe climbs into Alex’s roommate’s vacant bed with me, leaving Alex to sleep alone. We mumble a series of good nights, and Alex turns off the light.
With Chloe snoring lightly beside me, I lie wide awake, replaying the night like a broken record. A part of me wishes I never came to visit. That I stayed on campus and spent fall break studying or working out and still believing Alex was single and might want to explore something other than friendship with me. It would’ve saved me this heartache, that’s for damn sure.
The worst part is, I know it’s not Alex’s fault, even though it’s easy to blame her. She told me from the start that all she wanted was friendship. To expect her to want more just because I do isn’t fair. I promised her more than once that sleeping together wouldn’t affect our friendship, and yet, here I am, breaking that promise and acting like a jealous ex-girlfriend.
No wonder she doesn’t tell me about the girls she sleeps with.
The city lights leak through the half-closed curtains. I look at the bed across the room. Alex lies on her side facing me, still awake. We stare at each other for an infinite amount of time until my eyes become heavy, and I can no longer hold her gaze.
Chapter Fourteen
Alex
It’s been seven days since Jules and I had our fight. Six days since she went back to Penn and asked me to give her a little bit of space to figure things out. I managed to keep true to that request until this morning.
