“Shush,” I say reprovingly. I take the plate the lady hands me with a smile of thanks and turn to go, swallowing as Xavier doesn’t move, and my body rubs against his. My cock twitches, and I count down from twenty and then try to leave again. I stop as he takes my free hand. We’re hidden by the counter, but it’s a dangerous move.
“Xavier,” I warn him.
He smiles and squeezes my hand before releasing it. “I know it was something to do with me.”
“Well, that’s not even remotely self-centred.”
He laughs and then sobers. “Thank you for whatever it was.”
I stare at him. “Just like that?”
He nods solemnly. “I know that you have my back and that’s rather rare.”
A wave of powerful guilt washes over me. What the hell am Idoing?
This is my best friend’s son, and I’ve fucked him behind Jez’s back. I’ve lied to someone I care for more than anyone in my life. Someone who was always there for me. And what am I doing to Xavier? He’s too young for me, and I’m scared by the glimpses of vulnerability he’s showing me. In no way am I suitable to be anyone’s hero. I’m so far beyond that it’s a joke. The first time I was with him I knew it was probably a mistake, but I thought he was sexually confident and happy for a shag, and so we’d burn some energy together and then go on our separate ways.Everything’s changed now, of course. No one can say that me being close to him isn’t a serious, deliberate, dangerous choice.
“That makes me sad for you,” I say softly.
He winks, his seriousness falling away like petals from a flower at the end of the summer. “Of course, I like it best when you have meonmy back.”
I shake my head. “Pack it in.”
His laughter follows me, and I can’t help my smile. It fades away as I look up and straight into Jez’s eyes. He’s watching us with no expression on his face at all. I swallow hard, frantically replaying the last few minutes. The trouble is that when I’m with Xavier, the rest of the world seems to fall away. Jez’s face remains a blank mask as I walk towards him, but I tell myself he saw nothing. Just two people chatting while they get breakfast.
I set my plate down. “You alright?” I ask as Xavier comes up next to me and slides into the seat opposite Jez.
A tremor crosses that blank expression, but then Jez shakes his head as if clearing away a bug. “Fine,” he says slowly. He turns to Xavier. “I was thinking of walking some of the Cotswold Way today. Do you fancy it?”
Xavier studies him for a slightly too-long moment. His eyes flick to me and then back to Jez. “That sounds wonderful,” he says in an enthusiastic voice, and Jez relaxes, relenting under that beam of Xavier’s which is wide and warm.
“Great. That’sgreat.”
They both look to me as if seeking approval, and I smile widely. “That’s a wonderful idea,” I say heartily. Jez looks relieved and turns to summon the waitress.
Xavier leans in. “Rein in the enthusiasm,” he advises me. “You’re currently at ‘Kate Middleton at a garden show’ level.”
Jez turns back. “So are you packed?” he asks me. “We can leave the cases with the hotel and get back on the road when wecome back from walking. You can sleep in your own bed for a few days before the funeral.”
Xavier has gone very still, and his attention feels like a hot brand on the side of my head.
I feel a wave of dizziness at the thought of going back to my empty flat that’s waiting for me. It’s never been a home—just a place where I stay while I wait to go back into the field. I have very few personal possessions because I make myself travel light. The idea of returning to that bleakness after I’ve been with Xavier is suddenly awful. It will be like leaving a sun-filled land and entering a dark valley.
I’m filled with a sudden fierce panic which probably explains why I open my mouth and blurt out in a far too loud voice, “I’m staying until after the funeral.”
Xavier jerks and promptly spills his drink, and Jez’s eyes widen. “What?” he gasps.
I don’t blame him for his surprise. I feel the same way. I’m resolutely not looking at Xavier because all I want to do is beg him to stay too, to give me a few more days of sunshine.
I make myself shrug. “Here is as good as anywhere for hanging out while we wait for the funeral. I’ve got friends who live a few miles away, and I’d like time to get outside. The fresh air might do me some good.”
Jez studies me and then surprises me by saying simply, “Do you want company while you stay here?” My heart clenches because for a moment, he’s my old friend again.
I nod immediately. “That would be great. It’s only a few days until the funeral. Not worth it to go home. If the hotel can’t fit me in, I’ll find somewhere else.” I hesitate. “And maybe Xavier could stay too? You two can really get to know each other.”
I don’t think I’ve ever been more ashamed of myself, but if I can get these two to have some sort of functional relationship, maybe the universe will balance out what I’ve just done.Something good will come out of my temporary loss of sanity, and hopefully, no one will suffer. I look down at the table at Xavier’s hand resting near my arm and feel a deep throb of yearning for it to touch me. God, I fucking hope this insanity is temporary.
Jez clears his throat. “Then I’ll stay. I’ve got an appointment with my publishers in London, but I can catch the train back for that. What about you, Xavier?”
